The Recovery "Dance"

One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back is what I am calling my Recovery Dance and that is what I have experienced this past week.

I had some really great days- also known as my One Step Forward days. Days where I almost forgot that I was recovering from major surgery at all- playing with the kids, small chores, driving. I would even forget to take Motrin! Now at the end of these days I was tired BUT what mom isn't tired after a day of well... mothering :)

I had some not-so-great days also known as my 2 Steps Back days. I mean could everything on my body hurt at once- goodness! Stabbing, aching, burning, throbbing, you name it, I felt it and it normally forced me into bed very early. I simply needed to be horizontal because that meant comfort!

Now it seems my bad days followed my good days which probably meant that I was over doing it on my good days. My personality is all wrong for recovery-mode you see. I take advantage of good days and run 100 miles an hour... into a wall and find myself regretting all those "accomplishments" the day before. So, tonight I found myself hurting after a day of small errands with the family- Duane drove, I was just a passenger, how bad could it be! Well, I've been on my back for 4 hours just plain sore and uncomfortable.  Duane was warming up leftovers for dinner and Emma was concerned why mommy was just lying in bed. I heard Duane tell her I was in pain and trying to relax. Emma: "But is mommy going to eat dinner?" Duane: "We will figure it out". Suddenly in walks my sweet Emma with her pink Dora the Explorer tray to have Dinner-in-Bed with Mommy... so I wasn't lonely :) She made me smile and I wasn't lonely for dinner.

So tomorrow will be another day, another dance step, some pain I'm sure, and one day I will realize that like it or not my body is going to force me rest and heal and everything else can... well... wait. (Oh, the type A, multi-tasker in me just cringed!)

The Caregiver Life

On July 16, 2004 Duane and I said, "In sickness and health, for better or worse..." and this summer I am holding him to every word of that apparently! My sweet, loving husband is my dedicated caregiver and while Duane thrives under pressure and a busy life I know that this surgery is really stretching his ability to balance everything.  In our life "everything" includes 2 kids, a 4 1/2 year old princess and a 21 month old little prince who are full of energy, our own business which is open 16 hours a day and has over 50 employees, household chores, and great family and friends.  Oh, if keeping up with all of that was as simple as just jotting it all down...

The role of a caregiver is indeed a thankless job, although, as patients we really do try to say "please", "thank you", and "I love you" as much as we can. It must be quite an adjustment to go from a wife who is perfectly capable and independent one day to a wife who can't even wipe her own bottom.  Note: I can wipe my own bottom... now :)  It is truly being at someones beck and call to the ump-teenth degree:  preparing meals/snacks, reminding me to take meds, wound care, bathing, "fix my pillow honey.. oh wait... put it back where it was... oh wait... it's too fluffy... now it's too flat... I'm sorry honey I just want to be comfortable!" AHHHH! I could go on and on and of course none of that includes care for our kids or house. And all the while Duane is doing all of this with a gentle smile and love in his heart!

Of course, I can't forget my other "caregiver": my sweet Emma! Who loves to "help" mommy whenever she can... or feels like it! She often refills my water, helps drain my tubes, and takes my temperature.  She is a good nurse but like any normal 4-year old likes to do things on her terms and oh how daddy loves that ;) But I must give credit where credit is due both kiddos have had a huge adjustment this summer by being tossed from friend to friend for play dates and from family member to family member for sleepovers.  And they have embraced it all with few meltdowns and good behavior.  I am proud of them!

My last set of caregivers are our fantastic friends and family who have come to our rescue during these last couple of weeks and in the weeks/months to come! We have never eaten so well in our lives thanks to SO MANY people who have signed up to bring meals.  I have never been so encouraged than by the MANY facebook posts, emails, get well cards, and text that I receive on a daily basis reminding me that they are praying and thinking about me and my family.  And as mentioned before my kids are probably having the best summer of their lives with all of the play dates that they are going on and all the grandma time they are getting in during this recovery process.

I hope I am able to repay or pay the kindness forward once I am up, back, and running!  I love you all, especially the most amazing man in the whole wide world, my favorite nurse and soul mate, Duane.

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall: I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for ...

What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for the Navy that is stationed in Japan. I love seeing her pictures and living vicariously through her as she explores the world in the Navy.  So, I was "creepin" her Facebook wall and checking out her photos when I came across her post from June 6th (which was probably June 5th in US time but I don't really know...) REGARDLESS-- it was on or near the day of my surgery.  And without her permission I am re-posting it here because I don't think she would mind: 

 

"Just learned a good friend of mine is undergoing a double mastectomy today. She's out of surgery, and doing well. Her strength and courage at her age for doing this humbles and motivates me in a way I hope to tell her when I get back to the States. Much prayer and love going out to you from across the ocean!!"

 

Tears came running down my face as I was not expecting to see a post about me on her wall.  She didn't tag me in it so I had no idea that she had even written it! And while I loved the post, I think the tears were coming from the fact that I keep hearing the words: BRAVE, STRENGTH, INSPIRATION, STRONG, MOTIVATING and I don't feel like I am any of those things on a daily basis right now!  I feel like a wimp (I still need assistance out of bed), helpless (I can't reach for most things above shoulder level right now), and whiny. I mean goodness-- I'M WHINING NOW! AH! I feel like I am in complete survival mode from the time I wake up to the time that I go to bed-- and at 3 AM when my bladder wakes me up every night :) I mean my "mens-wear inspired wardrobe" consists of 2 outfits that I rotate daily.  You will either catch me in Duane's gray button down shirt with black sweat pant capris or blue button down shirt with gray sweat pant capris. LONG GONE are the days of my cute CAbi wardrobe :( I know... it sounds pathetic... LOL!

 

If I am truly "brave", "strong", or an "inspiration" it is not me but the Lord shining through me.  I stumble upon a bible verse everyday that helps me get through. Sometimes a friend has posted it, sometimes it is through a facebook page I "like", a get well card, etc.  Like this one that a friend posted that got me through pain the morning after my expansion- "For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a. Or this one that YouVersion posted from Isaiah 26:4- "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

 

I am sure in a month I will be at a point where everyday I will see big leaps and bounds of progress but for now the truth is-- everyday is a struggle, everyday is painful, and everyday I use my smile to cover it all up. And I know this is a process-- boy do I hate that word now-- but it is true.

 

**By the way Camille, I think YOU are brave, strong, and inspirational for the work you do everyday for our country :) Thank you!**

Discovery Health Channel starring ME!

You will all be certified medical students after reading this blog OR you will feel like you are watching the Discovery Health Channel :)

This first appointment with my plastic surgeon was highly anticipated because it isn't just a "check-up" on the surgery it is the first step in phase 2 of my reconstruction.  I also have a second cousin who is going through this exact same process but is about 3 weeks ahead of me.  So, having been in contact with her I knew that this first appointment was going to be painful... more pain... JOY! 

So, I went into battle prepared and on heavier doses of pain meds.  Three things were going to happen at this appointment: 1) Checking the wounds for proper healing, 2) Removal of 2 drain tubes, and 3) "Expansion"- the filling of my tissue expanders with saline which are preparing my body for implants in a few months.  The easy part: the wounds are healing fabulously and Duane got a high five from the staff for great wound care :) I also got the OK that 2 drains would be removed but she wanted to do the expansion first.  Oh, the expansion-- hang on folks this gets interesting!

I have a tissue expander on each side placed under my chest muscles. A tissue expander is a sack that they fill with saline to stretch out my muscles and such to prepare a place for the artificial implants to go.  There is a port on each expander and that is the "port of entry" where they can inject more saline into me.  How do they find this said port if it is IN my body you ask: there is a magnet in my expander and they place a magnet on my skin, find it, and mark it. It was very odd!  Anyway, then it is as painfully simple as sticking small needle into my chest and filling the internal sack with saline.  It is again very odd!  So I walked into my appointment at one size up top and walked out... bigger and feeling like at any moment my chest was going to cause me to fall flat on my face! A few word pictures would be: imagine carrying an anchor around your neck or walking around wearing one of those weighted vests like the super athletic people do when they workout.  That is how I now feel and it is quite an awful feeling.  My neck, upper back, and lower back are very mad at me!  And this is just the beginning-- expansion is a process and a painful process over several weeks until you get to a "size" that you are happy with. So I have a few weeks here that are apparently going to be quite dreadful all in the name of attempting to return a piece of my womanhood. However, the pain is starting to make me far LESS attached to my "womanhood"!

Now to the drain tubes part of the appointment which made Duane feel like he was watching a show on the Discovery Health Channel.  It was very, very odd!  As I have mentioned before the drain tubes drain the fluid that builds up in void that was created from the removal of my breast tissue.  I had 2 on each side of my body located just below my underarms.  When the drain tube isn't draining a significant amount of fluid any more they consider its job done and remove the tube.  I was very excited about this because I was getting tired of trying to keep Mason from pulling on my drain cords, tired of sitting on them, or getting them caught on something.  What a bother!  But the idea of them taking out something that is SEWN into my body in a NORMAL EXAM ROOM-- this isn't surgery people-- made me a little nervous.  So here is how it went down: she removed the protective tape over the drain site, made some sort of cut somewhere, and then told me that this next part was going to feel a little "weird".  I turned my head because I believe in "see no pain, feel no pain" but the look on Duane's face was priceless! She literally began to pull a tube out from my body... and kept pulling... and kept pulling! It was like the clown trick where they pull the handkerchiefs out of their mouths and then it just keeps coming out and keeps coming out.  When all was said and done she had pulled 8 INCHES of tubing from one side of my body.  Duane about lost his lunch! I mean how crazy is that?!  Another amazing part is the fact that the "wound site" where the tube was inserted into my body just closes itself... heals itself... it is like a minor cut! The human body is truly AMAZING-- can I get an AMEN? :)  Of course, the same thing had to be done on the other side and it was!

The appointment finished up with normal goodbyes and being told that they need me back on WEDNESDAY to do this all over again...

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Some days just aren't good...

So I promised that I would be open and honest with this blog. I am a naturally happy-go-lucky, optimistic person but today was not that kind of day. It was a low day... a very low day.  I suppose you have to blog about the good and the bad--so here it is.

I woke up this morning in an AWFUL mood! In a stay-out-of-my-way, can't-make-me-happy-so-don't-try kind of mood.  I'm sure none of you can believe that I would be in such a foul mood ;) I woke up in PAIN, lots of PAIN.  I had to make the transition late Monday to ween off of some of the heavy doses of prescription pain meds because my body was not waking up and I was not allowing it to "work properly"-- in other words apparently you have to have a bowel movement and I was going on a week with no action.  (Sorry to be so blunt but it is what it is!)  I was highly functioning on the pain meds-- holding coherent conversations, playing gently with the kids, walking around-- and some of you can attest to these activities so I felt that everything was going fine.  I could totally live like this: very minimal pain and a fairly active mommy! Life was good last week-- life is not so good on crappy, over-the-counter "pain" medication.  There wasn't a moment today that I didn't feel like I had just had surgery... not one! Aches, pains, soreness, tenderness, ouchy, ooooo, aaahhhh-- I HAD IT ALL! But mission accomplished: my body was working properly now--YAY (rolling eyes).  Of course, Duane had to hear about it all.

Then came the waterworks. Duane had just come home from dropping the kids off at a friend's house who we are nanny-sharing with this summer.  I am sleeping very well and had slept through the whole morning routine apparently so Duane was catching me up on everything while he was getting ready for work. As he was catching me up I thought scanning Facebook would get my mind off of the pain-- how brilliant am I... or NOT!  I begin reading post after post of people doing and taking and entertaining their kids at various places today and I lost it and had a 3-minute pity party.  I made myself so upset because I had elected to have this surgery, I chose this pain and discomfort and the result was I was spending VERY little time with my kids and had made myself completely useless this summer.  And while I know that they are off having so much fun with friends I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. I was also jealous of Duane being able to go to work, get out of the house, and embrace the real world.  Bottom line was I was crying, mildly depressed, and in pain.  I'm sure that is a dangerous cocktail of emotions...

As I type this tonight I know that we all have to go through the valley, we all have to be in the dark so we can appreciate peaks of life and the light at the end.  And everything I feel is completely normal! Goodness, if having a body part removed through major surgery and reconstructed was SO AMAZING everyone would be signing up and that just doesn't seem to be the case-- LOL! Ironically on Sunday I listened to a sermon my pastor had preached 2 or 3 weeks ago that I had missed and it was called "Happy People Get Depressed".  It was about how even happy, blessed people get the "blues", "get down in the dumps", and can even fall into major depression.  I remember thinking (then I was not depressed because the happy juices where still flowing in my veins) so glad that's not me! I'm too blessed to be depressed!  HA! Boy, did the Almighty show me how quickly that can change and put me right in my place!  Our Lord is very good at that but he is also so good to remind me that leaning on Him through my valley is the quickest way to bring me out :)

So, I came up with a plan-- does that surprise anyone?! I always have a long list of things that I would love to do but NEVER have time to do because I am keeping up with kids or housework or chicken work.  So, I have no excuses and nothing holding me back so why not tackle that list that never gets tackled!  Things on that lists are like: create photo books with the gazillion pictures I have taken, um... Mason doesn't even have a baby book started-- I could do that, etc!  I think you get the point so that's what I did today.  I started on a photo book of pictures and got about halfway done when I started feeling tired.  It did get my mind off the pain (which never really went away today) and made the day seem to go by faster.  So... this summer I may become known as the crazy photo book lady but I am happy to have something to help get me through :)

Post Surgery Life





It has been an interesting 4 days to say the least!  Tuesday, June 5th was the big surgery and boy what a day it was!  It was a day of lots of waiting.  I almost wonder if they were waiting on me to say, "Ya know... no thanks! I have decided not to go through with this, but thanks for the experience!"  Surgery was delayed almost 2 hours when we finally received the green light that the OR was all mine. The one picture above is where my surgical team initials the body parts that have been approved to remove. I found that interesting!

Everyone on my pre-op and surgical teams were very nice.  Duane was carrying around his Chick-fil-A work bag to get some work done while I was "under the knife" so the sight of the Chick-fil-A logo always sparks lots of conversation with everyone-- patients, doctors, and nurses.  I guess it was a good icebreaker and a good way to talk about anything but the obvious.  I do not remember anything after I was wheeled from my pre-op holding room to the OR.  I remember that Duane went right, I was wheeled left, and then I woke up back in the pre-op holding room and in pain and out of my wits.  Apparently, I was in surgery for 6 hours and Duane received many updates which he passed along via Facebook.  When I finally woke up it was by a very rude nurse who was shaking me and telling me to breathe.  I suppose I should be grateful that she wanted me to breathe but the whole experience freaked me out a little-- as that is not the way you want to be flung back into reality.  To top it off that nurse had a very strong accent of some sort so trying to understand what she was saying was very difficult in my very woozy state. I remember telling Duane out loud and with her present that I did not like her and wanted a different nurse. 

It took a while for me to get into my private room.  Finally at about midnight we got into a room and Duane was able to settle in.  The train of doctors, nurses, and assistants started in as soon as we got in the room.  They wanted to check everything and I kept letting them know that I was in P-A-I-N!  And that was the name of the game for the next few days.  They were hoping that I was going to be out by Wednesday afternoon but I was not leaving until they had my pain under control! And that took a while... they had to play with a mixture of meds, times, and dosage until we finally found the right pain med cocktail.  Luckily, I have a great tolerance for pain meds.  They do not make me sick or nauseous!  I suppose everyone would describe the pain differently.  My pain begins in my chest with intense pressure like someone is sitting on my chest and then radiates to my back.  It is the pain in the back that is the most uncomfortable and the most puzzling.  Someone called it referred pain-- I'm not getting wrapped up in terms-- I just know it hurts! My sides also hurt as this is where my drain tubes are sewn into my body so for obvious reasons that part of my body is sore!  I finally allowed them to release me after I was confident that I had a good handle on my pain and I went home at 4 pm on Thursday with a sack full of wound care supplies and medication. 

So, the home health care by my favorite man-nurse DUANE begins :) I just love him to pieces and I know that this recovery process will only make us closer.  We have a few responsibilities to make sure that I stay healthy. 

1) Drain Tube Care:  This is a drain tube bulb. I apologize if you are easily made queasy but this is reality!

When tissue is removed from the body the body goes into "fix-it" mode and wants to fill your new void with fluid; however, this fluid does not help in the healing process though so it has to be removed from the body so no infection occurs.  So, I have plastic tubing hanging from just below my underarms that are sewn into my body that hang down and lead into these round bulbs.  The fluid fills up the bulb and they have to be drained twice a day.  To drain it is very easy-- you pop off the top and squeeze fluid into a pre-marked dixie cup.  We also have to record the amount of fluid that the drain collected.  When the fluid gets under a certain amount of MLs then the drain tubes can be removed.  We are pretty confident that I will have 2 drains removed at my first follow-up appointment next Friday! Duane has added Drain Tube Expert to his resume :)

2) Medication: We realized very quickly that we needed to set alarms to keep my pain under control so we a line-up of bottles that I have to take throughout the day-- everything from stool softeners to antibiotics to the stuff that handles my pain!  I am a one-woman CVS right now ;)

3) Wound Care: I will spare you from that picture as Duane says that is TOO informative-- LOL! Although I am not ashamed of my incisions or my scars-- they are pretty crazy right now!  I have incisions that runs from one side of my breast to under my underarm on both sides.  Ladies can picture that much better but just know it spans the entire length of the breast.  So, we have to clean the incision and replace the dressing at least once a day.  I am totally clear to shower and I have once (even though I was totally nervous) but my mom helped me through that process. Duane was very nervous about applying the ointments and dressings (in fact he feels awful because when he watched the nurse do it in the hospital he almost passed out!) but he has come full circle and is a rockstar at it now! I am wearing a surgical bra 24 hours a day to protect my wounds and keep everything safe.  Ladies you can picture your first training bra-- hehe :)

So, now to answer your burning question: Does Erica have any boobs?  YES I DO! Since I am opting to have implants put in-- after they removed my breast tissue they put in tissue expanders which prepare my body for implants over time. However, my plastic surgeon was able to fill my expanders up with 400 CC of saline so I actually have small breasts to begin my reconstruction process.  Over the next few weeks we will concentrate on getting the drain tubes out, filling up the expanders, and preparing for phase two-- the implants-- down the road!  Now for lunch and a nap-- I'm exhausted :)