Fallopian tubes... who needs them?

Salpingectomy. Say that 3 times fast... or really just say it correctly at all and get a gold star! 

I will be undergoing a Salpingectomy, removal of my fallopian tubes, this coming Tuesday, June 16th. The somewhat minor surgical procedure opportunity came about due to increased research about ovarian cancer in BRCA+ patients. 

And if you are just tuning in... or we've only recently become friends... I was diagnosed with the BRCA 1 genetic mutation which exponentially increases my risk of breast and ovarian cancer in my lifetime. I had a double mastectomy (removal of both breasts) and reconstruction in June 2012. Now 3 years later, I have the opportunity to help researchers at MD Anderson and possibly lower my risk for ovarian cancer. The current standard of care and what was explained to me 3 years ago was that it would be in my best interest to remove my ovaries at 39 or 40 years of age. At the time 39/40 was a decade away and I just said ok! As it creeps closer and closer the idea of going into early menopause isn't very appealing-- although yes-- I know about hormone replacement. Regardless I would always lean on the experts advice. 

So here is where this new study comes into play! Since those original conversations science has advanced just a hair. There is major research going into the thought that in patients with the mutated BRCA gene ovarian pre-cancerous cells are originating in space where the fallopian tube meets the ovary. So-- can removing the fallopian tube not provide the "breeding" ground for these cells to form? MAYBE... and maybe not! That's why it's research. However, they are looking forward to studying me for the next almost full decade to see. Here are a few disclaimers: "Even if the fallopian tubes are the cause of many gynecologic cancers in mutation carriers, researchers caution that there is not enough evidence to suggest that all of these ovarian cancer start in the fallopian tubes. Also removing just the fallopian tubes is not likely to lower the risk for breast cancer."

The surgery will be a laparoscopic procedure which will only require 3 very small incisions and 3 VERY small scars below my bellybutton. Nothing like my c-section battle wounds! It is also an outpatient procedure so I will be in and out. Recovery is 2 weeks no driving and 6 weeks light duty. I'm ready to take it like a champ! 

With every procedure comes risks but I am fueled by the opportunity to help these researchers! Twenty years from now when my daughter is quite possibly having to make very similar decisions for her health, I pray that the small ways that I contributed to the bigger picture will help make her outcome easier. Decisions like this-- especially family planning type decisions-- are not easy for most people. God has given me such a peace about this entire process-- even reaching back over 3 years ago when I decided to do the mastectomy. It's with that peace that He continues to open doors for more chances to live proactively and help change the way we deal with breast and ovarian cancer.

Everyone has motivations. 

This one is mine. 

An Amazing Chance Encounter

Last night was the Family Time Hearts of Gold Gala where Family Time honors 13 women with the "Women of Achievement" Award. The award has been given to roughly 300 women since it was created so recipients are ushered into a special group of truly remarkable women. The stories of the impact that these women have made and continue to make on our community is inspirational! I was EXTREMELY honored to be chosen as a recipient this year.

The whole night was wonderful and I was grateful for the many friends and family that were there to celebrate the night with me. But one of the absolutely coolest parts of the night happened towards the beginning. I was saying hi to friends and giving and receiving lots of hugs when I ran into Diana, a friend and former Leadership Lake Houston classmate. Diana was with one of her friends who she introduced as Meredith. Diana began to tell Meredith why I was receiving the WOA award and I elaborated on some details particularly about Bright Pink and the educational talks I do. Meredith congratulated me and said that her daughter was the Chief of Staff at Kingwood Medical Center this year and that she wanted to pass my information on to her.  I knew a few VIPs at Kingwood Medical Center so I asked what her daughter's name was. Meredith said my daughter is an OB-GYN-- Dr. Barnsfather. I swear I almost started crying! Why you ask? Well let's rewind just a bit...

Dr. Barnsfather was my OB-GYN when I was pregnant with Mason and for years prior to having Mason was always concerned about my strong family history with breast and ovarian cancer. Dr. B was very cutting edge and proactive and wanted me to have the genetic testing done to determine if I was a BRAC gene carrier. The BRAC gene exponentially elevates your chances of getting breast (87%) or ovarian cancer (54%). I told her that I wasn't ready to have the test until I was done having children. Well... that time came and Dr. B didn't forget about what I told her. She asked about the testing when Mason was just about a year old. I knew that I couldn't put it off longer so I agreed and we did the testing on the spot. The results were positive and Dr. B counseled me to reach out to Baylor or MD Anderson for my next possible steps. The rest you could say is history expect I live it everyday but you can read my other blogs about that journey. 

I have always given credit to Dr. B for pushing me (in the best way) to have the testing and taking the initial steps with me down this life journey. I wrote Dr. B a thank you note the night before my double mastectomy letting her know that by the time she read it I will have already had surgery. The peace of mind that preventative surgery has given me is priceless and it was Dr. B's preventative mindset that helped me chose to live proactively. 

So on a night that was a pretty big deal in my short 31 years of life, I received the gift of meeting the mom of the woman who propelled me on my journey--my personal journey and my advocacy journey to educate young women that they can take control of their breast and ovarian health. I can educate women on the facts just as Dr. B educated me. 

And if I was ever in doubt that God wasn't planning my steps-- He reaffirmed that truth last night as everything came full circle and I was able to celebrate with my husband, my mom, my friends, AND Dr. Barnsfather's mom in the audience. She is pictured in the center of the picture at the top.

Finding my "pink"

When I was diagnosed with the BRCA 1 genetic mutation that elevates me to a "high risk" individual for breast and ovarian cancer--and then had a risk-reducing double mastectomy-- I sort of felt like I was on an island of my own. I had tons of support from friends and family and I wasn't the only person in my family with the gene mutation. Where it got weird was how did I fit in to the "pink" community? Did I fit into the cancer community?

I hated the word label: previvor.  It just seemed weird and awkward. The bottom line was I choosing to proactively handle my cancer risk based on amazing advances in technology and research. I didn't have breast cancer. I don't know what it is like to receive the results of an abnormal biopsy, or tackle rounds of chemo and radiation. I don't know the intense emotional and physical pain that cancer patients face. So-- I felt alone. The likelihood that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer in my lifetime was 87%. The likelihood that I would be diagnosed with ovarian cancer (the deadliest gynecologic disease) was elevated to 54%. The numbers are just scary and they are REAL!

I received amazing care at MD Anderson and I was surrounded by many women who were really fighting a battle for life. I felt guilty for having access to testing that allows me to make big decisions to travel down a different road then the one my genes had in store for me.

Those amazing women deserved to wear the pink. My grandma, my aunts, and several 2nd cousins who fought the fight deserve to be "pink ladies"... not me.

This weekend I discovered my shade of pink. This weekend I found the community I belonged in and a way that I can share my journey to save women's lives. I found Bright Pink!

For the next 24 months I am on a mission to reach 50 women per month and present the "Brighten Up" Workshop, a dynamic presentation that teaches breast and ovarian health basics, early detection strategies, risk reduction strategies, and then give participants real tools and resources to assess their risk and make proactive decisions. I am on a mission to save young women's lives in my community!

Join me on this journey! Help me reach the women that are important to you. This free 20-minute workshop was created by a group of medical professionals but designed to be delivered my women like me. It can be presented to social groups, church orgs, businesses, community orgs, etc completely free of charge! If you know of a local group who would be interested in this workshop please reach out to me by email at ericajohnston23@gmail.com.

I want to help all women become BRIGHT PINK!

2 Years and more to come!

So I almost let it come and pass without mentioning it.... honestly I kept remembering and forgetting about it all week! MD Anderson actually reminded me because I am part of a research study and my survey was due this week for my "Two Year Follow-Up".

June 5, 2012 I had a double mastectomy and two years later I still say that it was THE best decision I could have made (See this previous post to catch up on the story). Nothing is easy and nothing drastic, like surgery, comes without some changes but to live free from worry about developing breast cancer at some point makes it all worth it! I couldn't live thinking that I was going to be in the 20% of women with my gene that don't develop breast cancer. We don't do Vegas vacations and you can probably see why.... I am not a gambler!

So... what's next you ask? Well, I'm not out of the woods just yet. Part of being BRCA-1 positive is also having an increase risk of ovarian cancer which is actually the more scary of the two cancers. Ovarian cancer is hard to detect early. And here is a disturbing fact: Ovarian cancer accounts for about 3% of cancers among women, but it causes more deaths than any other cancer of the female reproductive system. :( My ovaries must be removed but I am too young to put my body through the HUGE, RIDICULOUS changes (menopause) that would cause. It is not even an option on the table until I am 40. So the plan as of just a year ago was to "wait and see" until I was 40.

My appointments with the MD Anderson Ovarian Clinic are twice a year now since turning 30. The goal is to catch anything early. I just had my first appointment with a new high risk doctor who told me briefly about a NEW research study that I qualify for-- and the game might be changing! I am so excited about this I can barely type! If I believed in former lives, I can confidently say that I would probably have been a lab rat because I love participating in these various research studies.

I will find out more in 6 months when I follow up with her and she lays out the whole plan for me to consider, but here is what she told me briefly. There are several studies that have been done that are indicating that ovarian cancer in BRCA gene carriers originates in the fallopian tubes which are the tubes that connect the ovaries to the uterus. They are looking for 30-somethings to opt for a "salpingectomy" (aka fallopian tube removal) which is done through laparoscopy so it is a much less invasive procedure. By taking the fallopian tubes it is thought that I might be able to "hold onto" my ovaries past 40 which is fantastic. Naturally I qualify because I am a gene carrier, I'm 30, and we are 100% done having babies! Needless to say my new doctor was very excited to have me as a new patient. I can't wait to learn more about this whole procedure and I love that the data that they will collect from me over the next decade will help them learn so much more about the BRCA gene and ovarian cancer.

I am so thankful for this journey that the Lord has brought me on. He has equipped me throughout with the strength I needed to get through it all. This day always makes me reflect on the many family members and friends that helped my family as well. If it wasn't for the meals, notes of encouragement, and occasional visits, it would have been much harder. Thank you for blessing my family back then and now!

There is more to come folks so stay tuned.... :)

Our job as parents

Gosh! The job of being a mom or dad is hard right?! Let's just be honest-- the stress of "Am I doing everything I am suppose to do to prepare this child to flourish as an adult?" is enough to make anyone go bananas!

This weekend a tragic and unfortunate event happened which affected my extended family. And right now I have a beautiful, sweet cousin who has had the life sucked out of her beautiful spirit because of this tragic event. She is hurting and will be for a long time. She needs prayer right now but I know she will take this very hard time in her life and use it to help so many one day.  I am very far removed from the situation so I am not speculating whether this could have been prevented or not. It is not my place to do that and I'm not sure we will ever know the answer on this side of Heaven.

What it did make me think about was as my kids grow into tweens and teens one day how can I help them lead a healthy life where ideas like suicide don't even cross their minds? It brought me to a powerful Facebook status update I read years ago from one of my favorite bloggers, Jon Acuff. It said something to this effect-- "I want to fill my daughters up with so much love that when the world knocks them over they will not empty." Good stuff, right?  So I just need to love them until I can't love them any more and they will be fine, right?  I think that's what we read from that quote on the surface but in reality that isn't the answer :/

It hit me, as I have heard time and time again, that I need to make sure that my kids know how much their HEAVENLY FATHER loves them. So why isn't my love enough? Because God chose an imperfect mommy and daddy to raise Emma and Mason... plain and simple! We will mess up, we already have but we still have a lot more messing up to do. So they must know that even when their mommy and daddy mess up-- yell and scream too much, lose patience, say words we don't mean to say, break promises-- they will fall back in the arms of an amazing God who will never let them down. Ever.

Depression in teens is real and the world is constantly telling them they aren't good enough. And then you add on the natural shortcomings of earthly parents and who do our kids have to turn to? The answer to that is rhetorical so I won't even go there... Instead we must teach them to lean on God, turn to Him in times of uncertainty, and most importantly communicate with Him through prayer.  We have to make God REAL for our kids so they will turn to Him. The more they see us love this "God" that as children they can't see the more they will love God. They must know that He IS the ultimate provider-- I mean He blessed Mom and/or Dad with a fabulous job, didn't He?

Life isn't a simple formula and even the parent who tries their hardest and loves them some Jesus can still produce a child who will stray and make bad choices.  That's one of those questions to ask Him when we reach those pearly gates one day. What I do know is prayer is powerful and we are in this parenting thing together so let's pray for each other, build each other up, help each other, and most importantly shine the love of Jesus to those sweet babies that He has trusted us to raise! 

Hard to Believe It Has Been a YEAR!

Last Thursday I had my one year follow up with my high-risk cancer doctor at MD Anderson. It was such a stress free visit with many worries now laid to rest since my surgeries. It was an interesting appointment in that while I was sitting and waiting to be seen I was able to reflect upon the last year and the last time that I visited with her. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HAS BEEN A YEAR!

I am one of those personalities where once an event has passed (especially a major event) I have trouble remembering what life was like before the event.  For instance, I really have a hard time remembering life before my kids. To be honest I have a hard time remembering parts of last week so maybe I just have a bad memory :) But I know moms will relate that have had friends that said, "Just give it 6 months and you will forget the pain of child birth and want to have another one..." And it is true-- time goes by and you forget. So, I have a hard time remembering what life was like before I was physically "altered"! Work with me here on the cryptic speak because I am trying to make everyone comfortable as they read this :)  I am mean you would think having lived a certain way for 28 years that I would remember vividly and almost lament about life before surgery.  It is such a God thing in my opinion!  I thank God everyday that He has erased those memories and made me very content with the way everything has turned out.  Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY!

The appointment was very positive and very quick!  She still did a "breast exam" and encouraged me to do the same thing as if I was natural because remember I still have that tiny little 1% floating around out there. But generally our conversation was very short and sweet and she was so happy that I was doing so well.

After my appointment I reported for one of the research studies that I am a part of at MD Anderson. That is one of the coolest parts of being treated at MD Anderson is that it is a research hospital.  I believe I am enrolled in 4 or 5 research studies currently.  Some are simple surveys taken online and some are blood draws, but this one was pictures.  I am in a study for the plastic surgery side of things to develop a program where patients undergoing mastectomies and reconstruction can view their bodies at the different stages of the reconstructive journey. The doctors want to be able to upload the patient's photo and walk them through what changes their body will go through and how they might look post-surgery.  I was so excited to be a part of this program and I can see the real value that it can have especially as more women are electing to have this surgery done after genetic testing reveals the BRCA gene.  Snap away I told them :)

Of course, I can't reflect on a year post-surgery without saying THANK YOU once again to the many friends and family that helped along this journey. Thank you for the meals, childcare help, emails, facebook posts, smiles, hugs, and visits!  It was all so helpful and my family felt very blessed by your love. I have the best friends and family in the whole world :)

Leadership is Influence

"Leadership is influence" - John Maxwell

On Sunday we took all of our graduating high school seniors and upper management out for a celebratory dinner.  This has become a 4 year tradition and we always look forward to it.  Every year has been special in its own way-- just different! This year was our biggest group by far. We had 17 graduating seniors and surprisingly 15 of them were able to attend the dinner.  So reservations for 20 were made :)

We recognize that "dinner with the boss" can seem lame and maybe even uncomfortable so we try to make this a "nice, laid back, get to know you" type dinner. We chatted among our little groups, they announced their school accomplishments, colleges they will be attending, etc.  It was so neat to learn about our very accomplished employees. 

Towards the end of dinner a few employees wanted to make speeches. This was a new twist to what has occurred at previous dinners.  Honestly we were a little nervous about what they might say-- did they like working for us? Are they so glad to be leaving? You just never know what a 17 year old might say! By the end of the few speeches there was hardly a dry eye and if you weren't crying you wanted to! It was one of those situations where I had to sit back and really think about what was occurring.  The girls who stood up and made speeches were letting it be known how much they felt like a family, how much they enjoyed their first job experience, and how much they enjoyed working with many of our managers.  That's when it hit me that this is what INFLUENCE looks like! Leadership is influence.

They were not saying that Duane and Erica taught me this and Duane and Erica taught me that-- although we did do some of that. They were talking about what our managers had sowed into them. We taught our managers and our managers taught them.  We influenced and "grew" our managers and gave them the platform and opportunity to help their peers.  One particular manager that many of them complimented is only 20 years old.  She has made a huge impact in so many young girls lives and she is still so young!  Imagine how many she will influence by the time she graduates from college! 

I don't mean to break my arm to patting ourselves on the back but it felt awesome to know that we have created a culture within our little restaurant where our leadership is influencing and being empowered to make others better.  It felt great to know that for those employees that are leaving for college and moving on feel that being a part of our Chick-fil-A family has been a valuable experience and they will take the skills they learned and go concur the world! 

It makes all the long hours, stress, and worry SO worth it! 

I love our jobs!

Finding Comfort in a Prayer

I loved this prayer I read today: "Dear Lord, open my eyes to what You are doing in the middle of circumstances that are outside of my plans. Help me to keep my eyes on You and Your power over all things. In Jesus' Name, Amen".

So why do I feel the need to worry or get bummed when things don't go my way or meet my expectations?  I mean my way is the right way... right? Wrong! Why do I find it so hard to leave it all in the hands of the one who created my plan, your plan, and the plans of the whole world?  In the words of my sweet 2-year old, "Silly, silly mommy!"-- He has power over EVERYTHING! Seems so easy to say yet so hard to do sometimes!

I keep zeroing in on the phrase, "... what you are doing in the middle of circumstances..."  That one phrase gives me an incredible amount of peace and a great reminder. God is the one person that we want to be right in the middle of our business! And while everything feels like it is spinning out of control, especially with the holiday season upon us, to know that God is the one who is juggling all the balls in the air brings comfort.

So here's hoping that I can focusing my thoughts upward as Christmas approaches instead of stressfully focus downward at my "to-do" list that will not cause the world to stop spinning if they are not completed :)

Parenting

A very sweet, young, and newly-married friend posted something on Facebook today that made me think about several things.  Her status said, "This will probably offend people, but when did an iPad become the new babysitter?? Seriously irks me..."  I was not at all offended by her post but it did make me realize something about parenting that I have learned over the years-- Parenting is a HUMBLING experience!

Once upon a time I was an idealistic young bride...

(Prior to marriage Duane and I had talked about EVERYTHING in regards to raising our future kids. We talked about public vs private schooling, discipline, parenting styles, discipline, traditions we want/don't want to continue, girls vs boys, importance of God and church, and oh yeah... did I mention discipline!  We had a plan, a focus, we were going to be rockstars at this whole parenting thing! We were avid people watchers and vowed not to make the "same mistakes" that other people make...)

So the story continues and we became parents and things went well until Emma was about 18 months and suddenly developed her own sense of self, independence, and stubbornness!  We would go out to eat and all Duane and I wanted after a long day of child-rearing and work was to discuss our day and have a small "husband/wife" conversation.  We realized that day (and the many that followed) the impossibleness of that statement! I learned very quickly that dinner convo would roll something like this: "Today I... Stop Emma, chew your bread, good girl... um... (regain my thought process)... Today I.... Emma don't grab the drink sweetie, no, no... (look back at Duane) Today I was cleaning out the closet and... (Emma begins to fuss and whine because she is hungry so I begin to dig through the diaper bag for the snacks or a toy and try to finish my sentence) So I was cleaning out the closet and... and... and (at this point Duane is trying to keep Emma from climbing out of her highchair as she says dada, dada, dada and throwing her toys on the floor)... and what was I saying Duane?!?! AAAHHH! Chaos!  

So, what happens next?!?! I am about to chew crud and lots of it because I am about to become what I swore I would never become-- one of "those" parents, one of "those" people-- out comes the smart phone and it is quickly shoved in front of Emma to occupy her in hopes that Duane and I can at least get through one sentence and just scrape the surface of what our respective days looked like-- forget deep, thought-provoking, meaningful conversation!  And it works for about 5 minutes. I mean after all Emma is only 18 months and her 18 month old attention span kicks in and we are back to a dinner circus of keeping her entertained, attempting to connect as a husband and a wife, oh and eat at least a lukewarm meal (ya with me moms)!

So, dinner is just one example. Over my journey as a mom I have said things and done things that I swore I would never do and I have said and done things just like my mom did-- GASP! And more than a dozen times I have been brought to my knees realizing that this whole "parenting" thing is HARD!  I don't have it all figured out and regardless of how much we have talked about parenting and read books about parenting at the end of the day here is some truth: God gave 2 beautiful children to 2 completely imperfect people who He never expected to be perfect parents; however, He calls us to lean on Him in complete humbleness, refrain from judgement, and know we are not in this alone.

Humbleness... all the looks I have given other parents replaying in my head... humbleness... thinking I had even a small part of parenting figured out... humbleness... eating so many of my words and thoughts...

Parenting-- what a humbling experience!

Filling buckets

I usually can't get a whole lot out of Emma about her school day. I get typical vagueness that I know most parents get-- "we did stuff" or "I played"-- definitely nothing of substance most of the time.  However, over a week ago I asked specifically about small chapel which is the bible story time that happens at the beginning of each day. The Pre K 3 and 4 classes have this time together and their teachers switch off teaching the lesson. The recent lesson really stuck with Emma and has been a sweet addition to our family conversations! 

Paraphrasing Emma: "Mom, we learned about filling each other's buckets today." "what's that mean Emma?" "Well mom it's like when I say loving words to you then I am filling your bucket and when I share a toy with Charlotte then I am filling her bucket."  Emma gave me several more examples but you get the just of it.  So as our weeks have gone along Emma continues to point out when we are filling each other's buckets or when we are dipping or spilling someone's bucket.  She likes to call us on the ropes but has a bit of a hard time when we hold her accountable-- typical little girl behavior! 

But all-in-all I love the concept! What a great challenge for all of us! Whose bucket have you filled today? Did you fill or spill someone's bucket? Are you even paying enough attention to realize?!  This lesson was a very powerful word picture for Emma and she has really taken it to heart so we have adopted it as a family as well. I appreciate her sweet teacher, Mrs. Licata, for teaching Emma about filling buckets. 

So, I say to you-- are you filling someone's bucket today?

Surgery Round 2- DING!

Yesterday was Sugery Round #2 and it went so very well! They had promised me that it was going to be much easier, much less pain, and much quicker both in surgery and recovery time--- AND boy were they right!  I am cautious to say that this is my "final/last" round of surgery because at the very beginning of this journey my doctors told me that by making this decision it will mean a lifetime of surgery-- possibly once every 10 years. But to quote my Emma who is almost 5, "Mom, but you did it so you don't get cancer and can be with me for a long time..."

We arrived at MD Anderson's outpatient surgical floor a bit before 10 am and they took me back to prep by 10:20 ish.  Apparently  I was on the operating table by 11:05 am.  I don't remember anything but closing my eyes as they wheeled me down the hall-- I was OUT and my 3.5 hour nap was beginning!  Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery and I heard Duane's voice.  It was a pleasant waking up process unlike last surgery when I felt like I was dying from pain!  I was able to sit up pretty quickly, eat some crackers, and drink some juice.  I made a trip to the bathroom, came back to my "room" to get dressed and I was ready to go home! Never in a million years did I think that I was going to be ready to go that quickly!  I was home by dinner time!

This morning I was expecting to wake up with the unpleasant heaviness that I had during my first surgery but other than soreness-- I didn't feel much.  I am able to get in and out of bed by myself, use the restroom myself, make breakfast myself-- all of the things you take for granted until you can't do them any more!  Now the soreness is not comfortable but I think a majority of the soreness is coming from the spots where they did a little lipo-- yes-- mama got herself a little nip and tuck ;)  By tonight I will probably need stronger pain meds but today I have been able to maintain with just Motrin. 

So, I guess I will have to believe my doctor when she said I will be feeling almost back to normal in a little over a week... she's been right about everything so far!

Thank you for the prayers, meals, drop-in visitors, facebook posts, and precious get well soon cards from Emma's Pre-K 4 class! Everything helps to lift the spirits and take my mind off the pain!

All Grown Up :(

I know sometimes it is hard for others to tell but the picture on the left was taken this morning (2012) and the picture on the right was taken one year ago (2011).  How can they change so much in one year?!?! Emma started Pre K-4 today and while it was nice to have her occupied in educational fun today it occurred that life is just simply moving faster and faster and I have to really stop, take it in, and enjoy it.

Emma is still at a golden age: she thinks Duane and I are pretty awesome people, she still wants to marry her brother Mason, and live at home for the rest of her life.  And while in reality that is an RX for major dysfunction (lol) the point is we haven't lost her to the world yet! Now granted she will be five in September so I know I still have a few more years in this "golden period" but how quickly it will fly by...

So, here's to a new school year of soakin' it all in, lovin' every minute of watching her discover new things, and praising the Lord for giving me the privilege to be her mommy! I say it often because it's true-- I love this kid :)

 



Meet "Bumble"

Yup, there he is-- Bumble! This isn't Mason's Halloween costume but he has fallen in love with it ever since he found it in the dress up box in the playroom... and it has been hard to pry it off of him ever since.

This is how our day goes:  Mason wakes up and it is a fight to put a new diaper on him but his eyes light up when he sees the bumble bee costume. He demands, in an oh-so-cute way, his bumble bee costume be put on and we tug, pull, and stretch it to get on him. Let's just say there is more Mason than there is bumble bee costume :)  And all we hear is "bumble, bumble, bumble" for the rest of the day!

This is how serious it gets:
*Mason responds to the name-- Bumble.
*He calls himself-- Bumble.
*He buzzes around like a-- Bumble :)

He allows us to take off the costume at meal times so it won't get dirty but then it is right back on! What blows my mind is how HOT the costume makes him and it doesn't seem to phase him. He is literally a sweating mess after playing in it all day! Such a SILLY Bumble-- uh-- I mean BOY!  I love this kid :)

What Emma taught me Sunday

This July our church was collecting new shoes to be donated to orphans all over the world.  My sweet Emma doesn't miss a beat and she kept faithfully reminding me that we needed to make our contribution towards this mission effort.  Sometimes I am on the ball with these types of things and sometimes life just gets in the way.  I was clearly letting life get in the way with this mission opportunity.  This past Sunday I went into a store to replenish some facial cleanser and makeup with Emma in tow.  Upon pulling in the parking lot Emma was very excited, "Mom, we can buy shoes at this store to put in the bin at church!" 

So, the first stop was the Clinique counter so I could get what I needed and in the middle of that task Emma needed to potty--- so pause the Clinique purchase! As we walked towards the back of the store we came upon the shoes. I told Emma we would hit those on the way back... momma just saw C-U-T-E sandals on sale!  She finished her necessary bathroom visit and we were onto the shoes.  My eyes like to browse the shoe section so Emma was quick to remind me: "Mom, we need to go to the KIDS section... the shoes are for KIDS..." So, we get to the kids shoe section and I looked for some pairs that were on sale that Emma could pick from.  The plan was to contribute one pair of shoes.  She finally picked one in her size because she wanted a child her age to have them. Mission accomplished... or so I thought!

Back to the makeup counter to finish that purchase and pay for the shoes.  The friendly girl helping me said, "Oh, did you know that the shoes are buy one, get one half off?" I did not know that but I liked the sound of that! So as we are walking back to the shoe section, for a split second my selfish mind began thinking, "Momma is getting a pair of shoes half off-- yay!" And it was only a split second because Emma excitedly said, "MOM! Now we can donate 2 pairs of shoes to help 2 kids!"  The look on her face was so priceless.

Now I know all kids have a selfish streak. Emma still struggles in the sharing department but for the most part a child's heart is filled with overwhelming kindness-- the kind of kindness that tends to fade as we get older and we develop such a "me" mentality or just plain harden our hearts toward the world. Emma picked out a second pair of shoes to donate and we finally finished that very long transaction.  I have to say that I was so proud of Emma. She could have easily asked for a pair of shoes for herself but her heart was certainly right where it was suppose to be-- shining brightly for Jesus and reminding me to shine my light brighter.  I love this kid :)

Dropping off her donations at church today

The Second Round

Well folks we have a second (and somewhat final) surgery date scheduled!  Tuesday, September 4th will be my surgery "exchange".  This surgery is suppose to be out-patient with no hospital stay if all goes well. I am completely nervous about that detail! I don't enjoy hospital stays but I can't imagine having surgery and going home the same day. The "exchange" is just as it sounds-- my plastic surgeon is going to go back in (hopefully with a slightly smaller incision) and take out my expander implants and put in my permanent implants thus making an exchange. I am very excited about this part! And no more doctor's appointments until pre-op-- YAY!

My expanders have been my enemy since I woke up from my mastectomy 7 weeks ago but now I am actually used to them. I guess it's like anything else you forget how it was before especially when you know you can never go back to the way things were. They have become a part of the new me :)  I don't wake up feeling like I have an elephant on my chest any more.  As I go throughout my day I am aware that things are not "normal" but sometimes I just plain forget!  I am looking forward to having a somewhat more natural feeling "up top" though and getting back to sleeping on my side and tummy.

The human body is truly a work of the Lord-- just AMAZING! My scars are vanishing more and more everyday, my body is used to my thousand pound chest, and I am getting stronger everyday.  I am even picking up Mason a little more everyday.  I have returned to driving even though it is a bit painful-- mainly because the seat belt bothers me.  The body's healing ability is quite humbling indeed. PRAISE!

I can't stop thanking everyone for their support through prayer, meals, transportation (a few weeks ago), child care situations, and just calling, texting, and sending me facebook messages! I love you all and your kindness has been overwhelming.  THANK YOU!

95%

Last week I had an appointment with my high-risk breast doctor (Dr. Litton) who is the initial doctor I saw at MD Anderson after I found out about my BRCA gene. Dr. Litton walked me through my options and got the ball rolling on surgery consultations and such. I had not seen her in roughly six months so I was due for a visit. 

When she walked in the door she said words that made me both smile from ear to ear and want to cry all at the same time: "When I first met you Erica there was an 80% chance you could have breast cancer in your lifetime. Now you sit here before me with a 95% chance of NEVER having breast cancer."

Wow! I loved hearing that-- even though I knew it in my head. I had made all my decisions up until now based on that fact but hearing that from my doctor made me feel awesome! It was like when you play a great game and you know it but to hear the coach say "WELL DONE!" just brings it to another level. And I needed that level because all the pain, discomfort, aching, and trips to MDA were starting to wear on me. I needed that reminder to refocus me and my recovery through this long process.

95%. I'm gonna take it and live it.

The Recovery "Dance"

One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back is what I am calling my Recovery Dance and that is what I have experienced this past week.

I had some really great days- also known as my One Step Forward days. Days where I almost forgot that I was recovering from major surgery at all- playing with the kids, small chores, driving. I would even forget to take Motrin! Now at the end of these days I was tired BUT what mom isn't tired after a day of well... mothering :)

I had some not-so-great days also known as my 2 Steps Back days. I mean could everything on my body hurt at once- goodness! Stabbing, aching, burning, throbbing, you name it, I felt it and it normally forced me into bed very early. I simply needed to be horizontal because that meant comfort!

Now it seems my bad days followed my good days which probably meant that I was over doing it on my good days. My personality is all wrong for recovery-mode you see. I take advantage of good days and run 100 miles an hour... into a wall and find myself regretting all those "accomplishments" the day before. So, tonight I found myself hurting after a day of small errands with the family- Duane drove, I was just a passenger, how bad could it be! Well, I've been on my back for 4 hours just plain sore and uncomfortable.  Duane was warming up leftovers for dinner and Emma was concerned why mommy was just lying in bed. I heard Duane tell her I was in pain and trying to relax. Emma: "But is mommy going to eat dinner?" Duane: "We will figure it out". Suddenly in walks my sweet Emma with her pink Dora the Explorer tray to have Dinner-in-Bed with Mommy... so I wasn't lonely :) She made me smile and I wasn't lonely for dinner.

So tomorrow will be another day, another dance step, some pain I'm sure, and one day I will realize that like it or not my body is going to force me rest and heal and everything else can... well... wait. (Oh, the type A, multi-tasker in me just cringed!)

The Caregiver Life

On July 16, 2004 Duane and I said, "In sickness and health, for better or worse..." and this summer I am holding him to every word of that apparently! My sweet, loving husband is my dedicated caregiver and while Duane thrives under pressure and a busy life I know that this surgery is really stretching his ability to balance everything.  In our life "everything" includes 2 kids, a 4 1/2 year old princess and a 21 month old little prince who are full of energy, our own business which is open 16 hours a day and has over 50 employees, household chores, and great family and friends.  Oh, if keeping up with all of that was as simple as just jotting it all down...

The role of a caregiver is indeed a thankless job, although, as patients we really do try to say "please", "thank you", and "I love you" as much as we can. It must be quite an adjustment to go from a wife who is perfectly capable and independent one day to a wife who can't even wipe her own bottom.  Note: I can wipe my own bottom... now :)  It is truly being at someones beck and call to the ump-teenth degree:  preparing meals/snacks, reminding me to take meds, wound care, bathing, "fix my pillow honey.. oh wait... put it back where it was... oh wait... it's too fluffy... now it's too flat... I'm sorry honey I just want to be comfortable!" AHHHH! I could go on and on and of course none of that includes care for our kids or house. And all the while Duane is doing all of this with a gentle smile and love in his heart!

Of course, I can't forget my other "caregiver": my sweet Emma! Who loves to "help" mommy whenever she can... or feels like it! She often refills my water, helps drain my tubes, and takes my temperature.  She is a good nurse but like any normal 4-year old likes to do things on her terms and oh how daddy loves that ;) But I must give credit where credit is due both kiddos have had a huge adjustment this summer by being tossed from friend to friend for play dates and from family member to family member for sleepovers.  And they have embraced it all with few meltdowns and good behavior.  I am proud of them!

My last set of caregivers are our fantastic friends and family who have come to our rescue during these last couple of weeks and in the weeks/months to come! We have never eaten so well in our lives thanks to SO MANY people who have signed up to bring meals.  I have never been so encouraged than by the MANY facebook posts, emails, get well cards, and text that I receive on a daily basis reminding me that they are praying and thinking about me and my family.  And as mentioned before my kids are probably having the best summer of their lives with all of the play dates that they are going on and all the grandma time they are getting in during this recovery process.

I hope I am able to repay or pay the kindness forward once I am up, back, and running!  I love you all, especially the most amazing man in the whole wide world, my favorite nurse and soul mate, Duane.

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall: I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for ...

What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for the Navy that is stationed in Japan. I love seeing her pictures and living vicariously through her as she explores the world in the Navy.  So, I was "creepin" her Facebook wall and checking out her photos when I came across her post from June 6th (which was probably June 5th in US time but I don't really know...) REGARDLESS-- it was on or near the day of my surgery.  And without her permission I am re-posting it here because I don't think she would mind: 

 

"Just learned a good friend of mine is undergoing a double mastectomy today. She's out of surgery, and doing well. Her strength and courage at her age for doing this humbles and motivates me in a way I hope to tell her when I get back to the States. Much prayer and love going out to you from across the ocean!!"

 

Tears came running down my face as I was not expecting to see a post about me on her wall.  She didn't tag me in it so I had no idea that she had even written it! And while I loved the post, I think the tears were coming from the fact that I keep hearing the words: BRAVE, STRENGTH, INSPIRATION, STRONG, MOTIVATING and I don't feel like I am any of those things on a daily basis right now!  I feel like a wimp (I still need assistance out of bed), helpless (I can't reach for most things above shoulder level right now), and whiny. I mean goodness-- I'M WHINING NOW! AH! I feel like I am in complete survival mode from the time I wake up to the time that I go to bed-- and at 3 AM when my bladder wakes me up every night :) I mean my "mens-wear inspired wardrobe" consists of 2 outfits that I rotate daily.  You will either catch me in Duane's gray button down shirt with black sweat pant capris or blue button down shirt with gray sweat pant capris. LONG GONE are the days of my cute CAbi wardrobe :( I know... it sounds pathetic... LOL!

 

If I am truly "brave", "strong", or an "inspiration" it is not me but the Lord shining through me.  I stumble upon a bible verse everyday that helps me get through. Sometimes a friend has posted it, sometimes it is through a facebook page I "like", a get well card, etc.  Like this one that a friend posted that got me through pain the morning after my expansion- "For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a. Or this one that YouVersion posted from Isaiah 26:4- "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

 

I am sure in a month I will be at a point where everyday I will see big leaps and bounds of progress but for now the truth is-- everyday is a struggle, everyday is painful, and everyday I use my smile to cover it all up. And I know this is a process-- boy do I hate that word now-- but it is true.

 

**By the way Camille, I think YOU are brave, strong, and inspirational for the work you do everyday for our country :) Thank you!**