Finding Comfort in a Prayer

I loved this prayer I read today: "Dear Lord, open my eyes to what You are doing in the middle of circumstances that are outside of my plans. Help me to keep my eyes on You and Your power over all things. In Jesus' Name, Amen".

So why do I feel the need to worry or get bummed when things don't go my way or meet my expectations?  I mean my way is the right way... right? Wrong! Why do I find it so hard to leave it all in the hands of the one who created my plan, your plan, and the plans of the whole world?  In the words of my sweet 2-year old, "Silly, silly mommy!"-- He has power over EVERYTHING! Seems so easy to say yet so hard to do sometimes!

I keep zeroing in on the phrase, "... what you are doing in the middle of circumstances..."  That one phrase gives me an incredible amount of peace and a great reminder. God is the one person that we want to be right in the middle of our business! And while everything feels like it is spinning out of control, especially with the holiday season upon us, to know that God is the one who is juggling all the balls in the air brings comfort.

So here's hoping that I can focusing my thoughts upward as Christmas approaches instead of stressfully focus downward at my "to-do" list that will not cause the world to stop spinning if they are not completed :)

Parenting

A very sweet, young, and newly-married friend posted something on Facebook today that made me think about several things.  Her status said, "This will probably offend people, but when did an iPad become the new babysitter?? Seriously irks me..."  I was not at all offended by her post but it did make me realize something about parenting that I have learned over the years-- Parenting is a HUMBLING experience!

Once upon a time I was an idealistic young bride...

(Prior to marriage Duane and I had talked about EVERYTHING in regards to raising our future kids. We talked about public vs private schooling, discipline, parenting styles, discipline, traditions we want/don't want to continue, girls vs boys, importance of God and church, and oh yeah... did I mention discipline!  We had a plan, a focus, we were going to be rockstars at this whole parenting thing! We were avid people watchers and vowed not to make the "same mistakes" that other people make...)

So the story continues and we became parents and things went well until Emma was about 18 months and suddenly developed her own sense of self, independence, and stubbornness!  We would go out to eat and all Duane and I wanted after a long day of child-rearing and work was to discuss our day and have a small "husband/wife" conversation.  We realized that day (and the many that followed) the impossibleness of that statement! I learned very quickly that dinner convo would roll something like this: "Today I... Stop Emma, chew your bread, good girl... um... (regain my thought process)... Today I.... Emma don't grab the drink sweetie, no, no... (look back at Duane) Today I was cleaning out the closet and... (Emma begins to fuss and whine because she is hungry so I begin to dig through the diaper bag for the snacks or a toy and try to finish my sentence) So I was cleaning out the closet and... and... and (at this point Duane is trying to keep Emma from climbing out of her highchair as she says dada, dada, dada and throwing her toys on the floor)... and what was I saying Duane?!?! AAAHHH! Chaos!  

So, what happens next?!?! I am about to chew crud and lots of it because I am about to become what I swore I would never become-- one of "those" parents, one of "those" people-- out comes the smart phone and it is quickly shoved in front of Emma to occupy her in hopes that Duane and I can at least get through one sentence and just scrape the surface of what our respective days looked like-- forget deep, thought-provoking, meaningful conversation!  And it works for about 5 minutes. I mean after all Emma is only 18 months and her 18 month old attention span kicks in and we are back to a dinner circus of keeping her entertained, attempting to connect as a husband and a wife, oh and eat at least a lukewarm meal (ya with me moms)!

So, dinner is just one example. Over my journey as a mom I have said things and done things that I swore I would never do and I have said and done things just like my mom did-- GASP! And more than a dozen times I have been brought to my knees realizing that this whole "parenting" thing is HARD!  I don't have it all figured out and regardless of how much we have talked about parenting and read books about parenting at the end of the day here is some truth: God gave 2 beautiful children to 2 completely imperfect people who He never expected to be perfect parents; however, He calls us to lean on Him in complete humbleness, refrain from judgement, and know we are not in this alone.

Humbleness... all the looks I have given other parents replaying in my head... humbleness... thinking I had even a small part of parenting figured out... humbleness... eating so many of my words and thoughts...

Parenting-- what a humbling experience!

Filling buckets

I usually can't get a whole lot out of Emma about her school day. I get typical vagueness that I know most parents get-- "we did stuff" or "I played"-- definitely nothing of substance most of the time.  However, over a week ago I asked specifically about small chapel which is the bible story time that happens at the beginning of each day. The Pre K 3 and 4 classes have this time together and their teachers switch off teaching the lesson. The recent lesson really stuck with Emma and has been a sweet addition to our family conversations! 

Paraphrasing Emma: "Mom, we learned about filling each other's buckets today." "what's that mean Emma?" "Well mom it's like when I say loving words to you then I am filling your bucket and when I share a toy with Charlotte then I am filling her bucket."  Emma gave me several more examples but you get the just of it.  So as our weeks have gone along Emma continues to point out when we are filling each other's buckets or when we are dipping or spilling someone's bucket.  She likes to call us on the ropes but has a bit of a hard time when we hold her accountable-- typical little girl behavior! 

But all-in-all I love the concept! What a great challenge for all of us! Whose bucket have you filled today? Did you fill or spill someone's bucket? Are you even paying enough attention to realize?!  This lesson was a very powerful word picture for Emma and she has really taken it to heart so we have adopted it as a family as well. I appreciate her sweet teacher, Mrs. Licata, for teaching Emma about filling buckets. 

So, I say to you-- are you filling someone's bucket today?

Surgery Round 2- DING!

Yesterday was Sugery Round #2 and it went so very well! They had promised me that it was going to be much easier, much less pain, and much quicker both in surgery and recovery time--- AND boy were they right!  I am cautious to say that this is my "final/last" round of surgery because at the very beginning of this journey my doctors told me that by making this decision it will mean a lifetime of surgery-- possibly once every 10 years. But to quote my Emma who is almost 5, "Mom, but you did it so you don't get cancer and can be with me for a long time..."

We arrived at MD Anderson's outpatient surgical floor a bit before 10 am and they took me back to prep by 10:20 ish.  Apparently  I was on the operating table by 11:05 am.  I don't remember anything but closing my eyes as they wheeled me down the hall-- I was OUT and my 3.5 hour nap was beginning!  Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery and I heard Duane's voice.  It was a pleasant waking up process unlike last surgery when I felt like I was dying from pain!  I was able to sit up pretty quickly, eat some crackers, and drink some juice.  I made a trip to the bathroom, came back to my "room" to get dressed and I was ready to go home! Never in a million years did I think that I was going to be ready to go that quickly!  I was home by dinner time!

This morning I was expecting to wake up with the unpleasant heaviness that I had during my first surgery but other than soreness-- I didn't feel much.  I am able to get in and out of bed by myself, use the restroom myself, make breakfast myself-- all of the things you take for granted until you can't do them any more!  Now the soreness is not comfortable but I think a majority of the soreness is coming from the spots where they did a little lipo-- yes-- mama got herself a little nip and tuck ;)  By tonight I will probably need stronger pain meds but today I have been able to maintain with just Motrin. 

So, I guess I will have to believe my doctor when she said I will be feeling almost back to normal in a little over a week... she's been right about everything so far!

Thank you for the prayers, meals, drop-in visitors, facebook posts, and precious get well soon cards from Emma's Pre-K 4 class! Everything helps to lift the spirits and take my mind off the pain!

All Grown Up :(

I know sometimes it is hard for others to tell but the picture on the left was taken this morning (2012) and the picture on the right was taken one year ago (2011).  How can they change so much in one year?!?! Emma started Pre K-4 today and while it was nice to have her occupied in educational fun today it occurred that life is just simply moving faster and faster and I have to really stop, take it in, and enjoy it.

Emma is still at a golden age: she thinks Duane and I are pretty awesome people, she still wants to marry her brother Mason, and live at home for the rest of her life.  And while in reality that is an RX for major dysfunction (lol) the point is we haven't lost her to the world yet! Now granted she will be five in September so I know I still have a few more years in this "golden period" but how quickly it will fly by...

So, here's to a new school year of soakin' it all in, lovin' every minute of watching her discover new things, and praising the Lord for giving me the privilege to be her mommy! I say it often because it's true-- I love this kid :)

 



Meet "Bumble"

Yup, there he is-- Bumble! This isn't Mason's Halloween costume but he has fallen in love with it ever since he found it in the dress up box in the playroom... and it has been hard to pry it off of him ever since.

This is how our day goes:  Mason wakes up and it is a fight to put a new diaper on him but his eyes light up when he sees the bumble bee costume. He demands, in an oh-so-cute way, his bumble bee costume be put on and we tug, pull, and stretch it to get on him. Let's just say there is more Mason than there is bumble bee costume :)  And all we hear is "bumble, bumble, bumble" for the rest of the day!

This is how serious it gets:
*Mason responds to the name-- Bumble.
*He calls himself-- Bumble.
*He buzzes around like a-- Bumble :)

He allows us to take off the costume at meal times so it won't get dirty but then it is right back on! What blows my mind is how HOT the costume makes him and it doesn't seem to phase him. He is literally a sweating mess after playing in it all day! Such a SILLY Bumble-- uh-- I mean BOY!  I love this kid :)

What Emma taught me Sunday

This July our church was collecting new shoes to be donated to orphans all over the world.  My sweet Emma doesn't miss a beat and she kept faithfully reminding me that we needed to make our contribution towards this mission effort.  Sometimes I am on the ball with these types of things and sometimes life just gets in the way.  I was clearly letting life get in the way with this mission opportunity.  This past Sunday I went into a store to replenish some facial cleanser and makeup with Emma in tow.  Upon pulling in the parking lot Emma was very excited, "Mom, we can buy shoes at this store to put in the bin at church!" 

So, the first stop was the Clinique counter so I could get what I needed and in the middle of that task Emma needed to potty--- so pause the Clinique purchase! As we walked towards the back of the store we came upon the shoes. I told Emma we would hit those on the way back... momma just saw C-U-T-E sandals on sale!  She finished her necessary bathroom visit and we were onto the shoes.  My eyes like to browse the shoe section so Emma was quick to remind me: "Mom, we need to go to the KIDS section... the shoes are for KIDS..." So, we get to the kids shoe section and I looked for some pairs that were on sale that Emma could pick from.  The plan was to contribute one pair of shoes.  She finally picked one in her size because she wanted a child her age to have them. Mission accomplished... or so I thought!

Back to the makeup counter to finish that purchase and pay for the shoes.  The friendly girl helping me said, "Oh, did you know that the shoes are buy one, get one half off?" I did not know that but I liked the sound of that! So as we are walking back to the shoe section, for a split second my selfish mind began thinking, "Momma is getting a pair of shoes half off-- yay!" And it was only a split second because Emma excitedly said, "MOM! Now we can donate 2 pairs of shoes to help 2 kids!"  The look on her face was so priceless.

Now I know all kids have a selfish streak. Emma still struggles in the sharing department but for the most part a child's heart is filled with overwhelming kindness-- the kind of kindness that tends to fade as we get older and we develop such a "me" mentality or just plain harden our hearts toward the world. Emma picked out a second pair of shoes to donate and we finally finished that very long transaction.  I have to say that I was so proud of Emma. She could have easily asked for a pair of shoes for herself but her heart was certainly right where it was suppose to be-- shining brightly for Jesus and reminding me to shine my light brighter.  I love this kid :)

Dropping off her donations at church today

The Second Round

Well folks we have a second (and somewhat final) surgery date scheduled!  Tuesday, September 4th will be my surgery "exchange".  This surgery is suppose to be out-patient with no hospital stay if all goes well. I am completely nervous about that detail! I don't enjoy hospital stays but I can't imagine having surgery and going home the same day. The "exchange" is just as it sounds-- my plastic surgeon is going to go back in (hopefully with a slightly smaller incision) and take out my expander implants and put in my permanent implants thus making an exchange. I am very excited about this part! And no more doctor's appointments until pre-op-- YAY!

My expanders have been my enemy since I woke up from my mastectomy 7 weeks ago but now I am actually used to them. I guess it's like anything else you forget how it was before especially when you know you can never go back to the way things were. They have become a part of the new me :)  I don't wake up feeling like I have an elephant on my chest any more.  As I go throughout my day I am aware that things are not "normal" but sometimes I just plain forget!  I am looking forward to having a somewhat more natural feeling "up top" though and getting back to sleeping on my side and tummy.

The human body is truly a work of the Lord-- just AMAZING! My scars are vanishing more and more everyday, my body is used to my thousand pound chest, and I am getting stronger everyday.  I am even picking up Mason a little more everyday.  I have returned to driving even though it is a bit painful-- mainly because the seat belt bothers me.  The body's healing ability is quite humbling indeed. PRAISE!

I can't stop thanking everyone for their support through prayer, meals, transportation (a few weeks ago), child care situations, and just calling, texting, and sending me facebook messages! I love you all and your kindness has been overwhelming.  THANK YOU!

95%

Last week I had an appointment with my high-risk breast doctor (Dr. Litton) who is the initial doctor I saw at MD Anderson after I found out about my BRCA gene. Dr. Litton walked me through my options and got the ball rolling on surgery consultations and such. I had not seen her in roughly six months so I was due for a visit. 

When she walked in the door she said words that made me both smile from ear to ear and want to cry all at the same time: "When I first met you Erica there was an 80% chance you could have breast cancer in your lifetime. Now you sit here before me with a 95% chance of NEVER having breast cancer."

Wow! I loved hearing that-- even though I knew it in my head. I had made all my decisions up until now based on that fact but hearing that from my doctor made me feel awesome! It was like when you play a great game and you know it but to hear the coach say "WELL DONE!" just brings it to another level. And I needed that level because all the pain, discomfort, aching, and trips to MDA were starting to wear on me. I needed that reminder to refocus me and my recovery through this long process.

95%. I'm gonna take it and live it.

The Recovery "Dance"

One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back is what I am calling my Recovery Dance and that is what I have experienced this past week.

I had some really great days- also known as my One Step Forward days. Days where I almost forgot that I was recovering from major surgery at all- playing with the kids, small chores, driving. I would even forget to take Motrin! Now at the end of these days I was tired BUT what mom isn't tired after a day of well... mothering :)

I had some not-so-great days also known as my 2 Steps Back days. I mean could everything on my body hurt at once- goodness! Stabbing, aching, burning, throbbing, you name it, I felt it and it normally forced me into bed very early. I simply needed to be horizontal because that meant comfort!

Now it seems my bad days followed my good days which probably meant that I was over doing it on my good days. My personality is all wrong for recovery-mode you see. I take advantage of good days and run 100 miles an hour... into a wall and find myself regretting all those "accomplishments" the day before. So, tonight I found myself hurting after a day of small errands with the family- Duane drove, I was just a passenger, how bad could it be! Well, I've been on my back for 4 hours just plain sore and uncomfortable.  Duane was warming up leftovers for dinner and Emma was concerned why mommy was just lying in bed. I heard Duane tell her I was in pain and trying to relax. Emma: "But is mommy going to eat dinner?" Duane: "We will figure it out". Suddenly in walks my sweet Emma with her pink Dora the Explorer tray to have Dinner-in-Bed with Mommy... so I wasn't lonely :) She made me smile and I wasn't lonely for dinner.

So tomorrow will be another day, another dance step, some pain I'm sure, and one day I will realize that like it or not my body is going to force me rest and heal and everything else can... well... wait. (Oh, the type A, multi-tasker in me just cringed!)

The Caregiver Life

On July 16, 2004 Duane and I said, "In sickness and health, for better or worse..." and this summer I am holding him to every word of that apparently! My sweet, loving husband is my dedicated caregiver and while Duane thrives under pressure and a busy life I know that this surgery is really stretching his ability to balance everything.  In our life "everything" includes 2 kids, a 4 1/2 year old princess and a 21 month old little prince who are full of energy, our own business which is open 16 hours a day and has over 50 employees, household chores, and great family and friends.  Oh, if keeping up with all of that was as simple as just jotting it all down...

The role of a caregiver is indeed a thankless job, although, as patients we really do try to say "please", "thank you", and "I love you" as much as we can. It must be quite an adjustment to go from a wife who is perfectly capable and independent one day to a wife who can't even wipe her own bottom.  Note: I can wipe my own bottom... now :)  It is truly being at someones beck and call to the ump-teenth degree:  preparing meals/snacks, reminding me to take meds, wound care, bathing, "fix my pillow honey.. oh wait... put it back where it was... oh wait... it's too fluffy... now it's too flat... I'm sorry honey I just want to be comfortable!" AHHHH! I could go on and on and of course none of that includes care for our kids or house. And all the while Duane is doing all of this with a gentle smile and love in his heart!

Of course, I can't forget my other "caregiver": my sweet Emma! Who loves to "help" mommy whenever she can... or feels like it! She often refills my water, helps drain my tubes, and takes my temperature.  She is a good nurse but like any normal 4-year old likes to do things on her terms and oh how daddy loves that ;) But I must give credit where credit is due both kiddos have had a huge adjustment this summer by being tossed from friend to friend for play dates and from family member to family member for sleepovers.  And they have embraced it all with few meltdowns and good behavior.  I am proud of them!

My last set of caregivers are our fantastic friends and family who have come to our rescue during these last couple of weeks and in the weeks/months to come! We have never eaten so well in our lives thanks to SO MANY people who have signed up to bring meals.  I have never been so encouraged than by the MANY facebook posts, emails, get well cards, and text that I receive on a daily basis reminding me that they are praying and thinking about me and my family.  And as mentioned before my kids are probably having the best summer of their lives with all of the play dates that they are going on and all the grandma time they are getting in during this recovery process.

I hope I am able to repay or pay the kindness forward once I am up, back, and running!  I love you all, especially the most amazing man in the whole wide world, my favorite nurse and soul mate, Duane.

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall: I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for ...

What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for the Navy that is stationed in Japan. I love seeing her pictures and living vicariously through her as she explores the world in the Navy.  So, I was "creepin" her Facebook wall and checking out her photos when I came across her post from June 6th (which was probably June 5th in US time but I don't really know...) REGARDLESS-- it was on or near the day of my surgery.  And without her permission I am re-posting it here because I don't think she would mind: 

 

"Just learned a good friend of mine is undergoing a double mastectomy today. She's out of surgery, and doing well. Her strength and courage at her age for doing this humbles and motivates me in a way I hope to tell her when I get back to the States. Much prayer and love going out to you from across the ocean!!"

 

Tears came running down my face as I was not expecting to see a post about me on her wall.  She didn't tag me in it so I had no idea that she had even written it! And while I loved the post, I think the tears were coming from the fact that I keep hearing the words: BRAVE, STRENGTH, INSPIRATION, STRONG, MOTIVATING and I don't feel like I am any of those things on a daily basis right now!  I feel like a wimp (I still need assistance out of bed), helpless (I can't reach for most things above shoulder level right now), and whiny. I mean goodness-- I'M WHINING NOW! AH! I feel like I am in complete survival mode from the time I wake up to the time that I go to bed-- and at 3 AM when my bladder wakes me up every night :) I mean my "mens-wear inspired wardrobe" consists of 2 outfits that I rotate daily.  You will either catch me in Duane's gray button down shirt with black sweat pant capris or blue button down shirt with gray sweat pant capris. LONG GONE are the days of my cute CAbi wardrobe :( I know... it sounds pathetic... LOL!

 

If I am truly "brave", "strong", or an "inspiration" it is not me but the Lord shining through me.  I stumble upon a bible verse everyday that helps me get through. Sometimes a friend has posted it, sometimes it is through a facebook page I "like", a get well card, etc.  Like this one that a friend posted that got me through pain the morning after my expansion- "For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a. Or this one that YouVersion posted from Isaiah 26:4- "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

 

I am sure in a month I will be at a point where everyday I will see big leaps and bounds of progress but for now the truth is-- everyday is a struggle, everyday is painful, and everyday I use my smile to cover it all up. And I know this is a process-- boy do I hate that word now-- but it is true.

 

**By the way Camille, I think YOU are brave, strong, and inspirational for the work you do everyday for our country :) Thank you!**

Discovery Health Channel starring ME!

You will all be certified medical students after reading this blog OR you will feel like you are watching the Discovery Health Channel :)

This first appointment with my plastic surgeon was highly anticipated because it isn't just a "check-up" on the surgery it is the first step in phase 2 of my reconstruction.  I also have a second cousin who is going through this exact same process but is about 3 weeks ahead of me.  So, having been in contact with her I knew that this first appointment was going to be painful... more pain... JOY! 

So, I went into battle prepared and on heavier doses of pain meds.  Three things were going to happen at this appointment: 1) Checking the wounds for proper healing, 2) Removal of 2 drain tubes, and 3) "Expansion"- the filling of my tissue expanders with saline which are preparing my body for implants in a few months.  The easy part: the wounds are healing fabulously and Duane got a high five from the staff for great wound care :) I also got the OK that 2 drains would be removed but she wanted to do the expansion first.  Oh, the expansion-- hang on folks this gets interesting!

I have a tissue expander on each side placed under my chest muscles. A tissue expander is a sack that they fill with saline to stretch out my muscles and such to prepare a place for the artificial implants to go.  There is a port on each expander and that is the "port of entry" where they can inject more saline into me.  How do they find this said port if it is IN my body you ask: there is a magnet in my expander and they place a magnet on my skin, find it, and mark it. It was very odd!  Anyway, then it is as painfully simple as sticking small needle into my chest and filling the internal sack with saline.  It is again very odd!  So I walked into my appointment at one size up top and walked out... bigger and feeling like at any moment my chest was going to cause me to fall flat on my face! A few word pictures would be: imagine carrying an anchor around your neck or walking around wearing one of those weighted vests like the super athletic people do when they workout.  That is how I now feel and it is quite an awful feeling.  My neck, upper back, and lower back are very mad at me!  And this is just the beginning-- expansion is a process and a painful process over several weeks until you get to a "size" that you are happy with. So I have a few weeks here that are apparently going to be quite dreadful all in the name of attempting to return a piece of my womanhood. However, the pain is starting to make me far LESS attached to my "womanhood"!

Now to the drain tubes part of the appointment which made Duane feel like he was watching a show on the Discovery Health Channel.  It was very, very odd!  As I have mentioned before the drain tubes drain the fluid that builds up in void that was created from the removal of my breast tissue.  I had 2 on each side of my body located just below my underarms.  When the drain tube isn't draining a significant amount of fluid any more they consider its job done and remove the tube.  I was very excited about this because I was getting tired of trying to keep Mason from pulling on my drain cords, tired of sitting on them, or getting them caught on something.  What a bother!  But the idea of them taking out something that is SEWN into my body in a NORMAL EXAM ROOM-- this isn't surgery people-- made me a little nervous.  So here is how it went down: she removed the protective tape over the drain site, made some sort of cut somewhere, and then told me that this next part was going to feel a little "weird".  I turned my head because I believe in "see no pain, feel no pain" but the look on Duane's face was priceless! She literally began to pull a tube out from my body... and kept pulling... and kept pulling! It was like the clown trick where they pull the handkerchiefs out of their mouths and then it just keeps coming out and keeps coming out.  When all was said and done she had pulled 8 INCHES of tubing from one side of my body.  Duane about lost his lunch! I mean how crazy is that?!  Another amazing part is the fact that the "wound site" where the tube was inserted into my body just closes itself... heals itself... it is like a minor cut! The human body is truly AMAZING-- can I get an AMEN? :)  Of course, the same thing had to be done on the other side and it was!

The appointment finished up with normal goodbyes and being told that they need me back on WEDNESDAY to do this all over again...

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Some days just aren't good...

So I promised that I would be open and honest with this blog. I am a naturally happy-go-lucky, optimistic person but today was not that kind of day. It was a low day... a very low day.  I suppose you have to blog about the good and the bad--so here it is.

I woke up this morning in an AWFUL mood! In a stay-out-of-my-way, can't-make-me-happy-so-don't-try kind of mood.  I'm sure none of you can believe that I would be in such a foul mood ;) I woke up in PAIN, lots of PAIN.  I had to make the transition late Monday to ween off of some of the heavy doses of prescription pain meds because my body was not waking up and I was not allowing it to "work properly"-- in other words apparently you have to have a bowel movement and I was going on a week with no action.  (Sorry to be so blunt but it is what it is!)  I was highly functioning on the pain meds-- holding coherent conversations, playing gently with the kids, walking around-- and some of you can attest to these activities so I felt that everything was going fine.  I could totally live like this: very minimal pain and a fairly active mommy! Life was good last week-- life is not so good on crappy, over-the-counter "pain" medication.  There wasn't a moment today that I didn't feel like I had just had surgery... not one! Aches, pains, soreness, tenderness, ouchy, ooooo, aaahhhh-- I HAD IT ALL! But mission accomplished: my body was working properly now--YAY (rolling eyes).  Of course, Duane had to hear about it all.

Then came the waterworks. Duane had just come home from dropping the kids off at a friend's house who we are nanny-sharing with this summer.  I am sleeping very well and had slept through the whole morning routine apparently so Duane was catching me up on everything while he was getting ready for work. As he was catching me up I thought scanning Facebook would get my mind off of the pain-- how brilliant am I... or NOT!  I begin reading post after post of people doing and taking and entertaining their kids at various places today and I lost it and had a 3-minute pity party.  I made myself so upset because I had elected to have this surgery, I chose this pain and discomfort and the result was I was spending VERY little time with my kids and had made myself completely useless this summer.  And while I know that they are off having so much fun with friends I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. I was also jealous of Duane being able to go to work, get out of the house, and embrace the real world.  Bottom line was I was crying, mildly depressed, and in pain.  I'm sure that is a dangerous cocktail of emotions...

As I type this tonight I know that we all have to go through the valley, we all have to be in the dark so we can appreciate peaks of life and the light at the end.  And everything I feel is completely normal! Goodness, if having a body part removed through major surgery and reconstructed was SO AMAZING everyone would be signing up and that just doesn't seem to be the case-- LOL! Ironically on Sunday I listened to a sermon my pastor had preached 2 or 3 weeks ago that I had missed and it was called "Happy People Get Depressed".  It was about how even happy, blessed people get the "blues", "get down in the dumps", and can even fall into major depression.  I remember thinking (then I was not depressed because the happy juices where still flowing in my veins) so glad that's not me! I'm too blessed to be depressed!  HA! Boy, did the Almighty show me how quickly that can change and put me right in my place!  Our Lord is very good at that but he is also so good to remind me that leaning on Him through my valley is the quickest way to bring me out :)

So, I came up with a plan-- does that surprise anyone?! I always have a long list of things that I would love to do but NEVER have time to do because I am keeping up with kids or housework or chicken work.  So, I have no excuses and nothing holding me back so why not tackle that list that never gets tackled!  Things on that lists are like: create photo books with the gazillion pictures I have taken, um... Mason doesn't even have a baby book started-- I could do that, etc!  I think you get the point so that's what I did today.  I started on a photo book of pictures and got about halfway done when I started feeling tired.  It did get my mind off the pain (which never really went away today) and made the day seem to go by faster.  So... this summer I may become known as the crazy photo book lady but I am happy to have something to help get me through :)

Post Surgery Life





It has been an interesting 4 days to say the least!  Tuesday, June 5th was the big surgery and boy what a day it was!  It was a day of lots of waiting.  I almost wonder if they were waiting on me to say, "Ya know... no thanks! I have decided not to go through with this, but thanks for the experience!"  Surgery was delayed almost 2 hours when we finally received the green light that the OR was all mine. The one picture above is where my surgical team initials the body parts that have been approved to remove. I found that interesting!

Everyone on my pre-op and surgical teams were very nice.  Duane was carrying around his Chick-fil-A work bag to get some work done while I was "under the knife" so the sight of the Chick-fil-A logo always sparks lots of conversation with everyone-- patients, doctors, and nurses.  I guess it was a good icebreaker and a good way to talk about anything but the obvious.  I do not remember anything after I was wheeled from my pre-op holding room to the OR.  I remember that Duane went right, I was wheeled left, and then I woke up back in the pre-op holding room and in pain and out of my wits.  Apparently, I was in surgery for 6 hours and Duane received many updates which he passed along via Facebook.  When I finally woke up it was by a very rude nurse who was shaking me and telling me to breathe.  I suppose I should be grateful that she wanted me to breathe but the whole experience freaked me out a little-- as that is not the way you want to be flung back into reality.  To top it off that nurse had a very strong accent of some sort so trying to understand what she was saying was very difficult in my very woozy state. I remember telling Duane out loud and with her present that I did not like her and wanted a different nurse. 

It took a while for me to get into my private room.  Finally at about midnight we got into a room and Duane was able to settle in.  The train of doctors, nurses, and assistants started in as soon as we got in the room.  They wanted to check everything and I kept letting them know that I was in P-A-I-N!  And that was the name of the game for the next few days.  They were hoping that I was going to be out by Wednesday afternoon but I was not leaving until they had my pain under control! And that took a while... they had to play with a mixture of meds, times, and dosage until we finally found the right pain med cocktail.  Luckily, I have a great tolerance for pain meds.  They do not make me sick or nauseous!  I suppose everyone would describe the pain differently.  My pain begins in my chest with intense pressure like someone is sitting on my chest and then radiates to my back.  It is the pain in the back that is the most uncomfortable and the most puzzling.  Someone called it referred pain-- I'm not getting wrapped up in terms-- I just know it hurts! My sides also hurt as this is where my drain tubes are sewn into my body so for obvious reasons that part of my body is sore!  I finally allowed them to release me after I was confident that I had a good handle on my pain and I went home at 4 pm on Thursday with a sack full of wound care supplies and medication. 

So, the home health care by my favorite man-nurse DUANE begins :) I just love him to pieces and I know that this recovery process will only make us closer.  We have a few responsibilities to make sure that I stay healthy. 

1) Drain Tube Care:  This is a drain tube bulb. I apologize if you are easily made queasy but this is reality!

When tissue is removed from the body the body goes into "fix-it" mode and wants to fill your new void with fluid; however, this fluid does not help in the healing process though so it has to be removed from the body so no infection occurs.  So, I have plastic tubing hanging from just below my underarms that are sewn into my body that hang down and lead into these round bulbs.  The fluid fills up the bulb and they have to be drained twice a day.  To drain it is very easy-- you pop off the top and squeeze fluid into a pre-marked dixie cup.  We also have to record the amount of fluid that the drain collected.  When the fluid gets under a certain amount of MLs then the drain tubes can be removed.  We are pretty confident that I will have 2 drains removed at my first follow-up appointment next Friday! Duane has added Drain Tube Expert to his resume :)

2) Medication: We realized very quickly that we needed to set alarms to keep my pain under control so we a line-up of bottles that I have to take throughout the day-- everything from stool softeners to antibiotics to the stuff that handles my pain!  I am a one-woman CVS right now ;)

3) Wound Care: I will spare you from that picture as Duane says that is TOO informative-- LOL! Although I am not ashamed of my incisions or my scars-- they are pretty crazy right now!  I have incisions that runs from one side of my breast to under my underarm on both sides.  Ladies can picture that much better but just know it spans the entire length of the breast.  So, we have to clean the incision and replace the dressing at least once a day.  I am totally clear to shower and I have once (even though I was totally nervous) but my mom helped me through that process. Duane was very nervous about applying the ointments and dressings (in fact he feels awful because when he watched the nurse do it in the hospital he almost passed out!) but he has come full circle and is a rockstar at it now! I am wearing a surgical bra 24 hours a day to protect my wounds and keep everything safe.  Ladies you can picture your first training bra-- hehe :)

So, now to answer your burning question: Does Erica have any boobs?  YES I DO! Since I am opting to have implants put in-- after they removed my breast tissue they put in tissue expanders which prepare my body for implants over time. However, my plastic surgeon was able to fill my expanders up with 400 CC of saline so I actually have small breasts to begin my reconstruction process.  Over the next few weeks we will concentrate on getting the drain tubes out, filling up the expanders, and preparing for phase two-- the implants-- down the road!  Now for lunch and a nap-- I'm exhausted :)

Reconstructing Erica

This post is about boobs and for some that is uncomfortable to talk about or read about so hit "close" now and I will never know :)

Yesterday (Wednesday) I met with my plastic surgeon who will be performing my reconstruction following my double mastectomy on June 5th.  I had done minimal research on the different options but I did have a fairly general idea of what we were going to go over and I had talked to several people about their experiences with reconstruction.  So I went into my appointment pretty sure I knew the road that I wanted to go down.  I came out however with a completely different plan of action and while that very abrupt change was a little emotional for me I am VERY much at peace with my decision and I know that it is the best LIFESTYLE decision for me at this point.  Let's get down to details friends:

Two basic options for people who need to reconstruct their breasts: implants (silicone or saline) or a TRAM Flap.  There are a few different types of TRAM flaps but for the purpose of this blog I am going to lump them all into a general bucket and call it the TRAM flap.  There are pros and cons to both kinds of reconstruction.  Implants have a quicker recovery time and surgical time but the process of getting to the final result-- which is your actual set of boobs "installed" you-- is done over time (generally 3 months or so).  You can also pick the size breasts you want within reason.  MD Anderson WILL NOT make you look like Pamela Anderson ladies :) There is still lots of pain, soreness, limited mobility at first, yada, yada, yada...  The TRAM flap is the kind that is growing in popularity.  It is where they use YOUR tissue from YOUR body to recreate breasts on you.  They generally use your belly tissue although it is possible to use tissue from your butt and back to make it happen.  It is a more "major" surgery because not only do they operate on your breasts but they are operating on your abdomen as well.   And for ladies who have had c-sections-- we are talking much more invasive than that!  It is even more invasive than a tummy tuck because they have to re-route a vein and an artery to supply blood to your new "breast" tissue. There is a greater (although still small) chance of infection, obviously more wounds to care for, and a longer healing process; however, I receive the a final product (my boobs) immediately.  This type of surgery is much longer-- approx 12 hours.  It has been coined the "Tummy Tuck Reconstruction". 

So who wouldn't L-O-V-E a tummy tuck?  Seems like an easy, no-brainer decision huh?!  Well, it is never that simple is it and while I walked into my appointment pretty sure that that is the way I wanted to go...  I have elected to have implant reconstruction and let me explain my decision.

• Reason #1: I am a 28 year old mom of a 4 1/2 year old and 19 month old.  My plastic surgeon said one phrase that rocked my world, "After you are completely healed from your TRAM flap surgery you CAN NOT pick up anything over 25 pounds without risk of an abdominal hernia or bulge".  For those who don't see my 19 month old often he is almost 30 pounds.  I can not imagine never lifting my baby again and I know he won't be a baby forever but I still pick up my 4 1/2 year old as well! That is TOO much of a mommy function and I know that I would end up harming my incision and it would result in unfavorable results. 
• Reason #2:  This reason is more superficial but a reality.  I was told I did not have enough belly tissue and/or back tissue to reconstruct to the size I wanted :(  Probably the only time in my life I was sad that someone said I was too lean... and probably the only time someone will tell me I am too lean! LOL!  As you know I am not a small-chested person and while my desire is to go down a size or two they are not confident enough without cutting me open to know if I have enough tissue to create the size I want.  And I have to believe them!  They are professionals that know what a body needs to look like, they know what adequate tissue looks like, and they do this ALL DAY LONG.  If they are not sure then I am not going to risk being unhappy with the result.  They quickly said that they can always supplement my belly tissue with an implant but why go through all that extra pain and recovery when in the end they needed to use an implant anyway.  If I am electing to have this procedure I need to know that the end result will make me happy or why do it?!
• Reason #3 (or really just a neat fact):  Since they use belly/body tissue your reconstruction can gain and lose weight just like the part of your body they look it from SO if you are a person who loses weight from their tummy areas when you work out you will now be a person who loses weight from their boobs!  I happen to be the person who can lose weight pretty easily from my belly.  Usually through diet and exercise I lose my weight from my belly, face, and hips first.   Currently with my breast tissue I never lose weight in my breasts (not even after breast feeding ladies!) but if I chose the TRAM flap I would lose my fat tissue from there now.  Crazy fact huh?!  So... I can't risk getting smaller than expected results and then possibly losing them through exercise anyway!

I know for many of you this was TOO MUCH INFORMATION! But I believe that knowledge is power and some of the facts are just kind of neat.  You never know when you might be on Jeopardy and the category is Breast Reconstruction ;)

So implants it is!  Another thing to know is because I am so young they told me that I will have multiple surgeries as maintenance over my lifetime.  Who knows what they (my breasts) will look like in 20 years and the implant companies recommend getting new ones every 10 years anyway so they wanted to caution me that this is not a one time thing.  I have to mentally be in this for a lifetime.  They also said that in 20 years if I want to come back and have a TRAM flap done because I am done lifting kids, weight is harder to keep off as we age, etc that I can elect to take the implants out and do the "tummy tuck" version.  So my decision is somewhat temporary and they are willing to work with me to ensure that I am happy with my body for LIFE-- not just the months following my surgery.  It is so nice to know that I have advocates in the medical field!

So that will be my next step! I am praying for a speedy recovery because I have too much left to accomplish in 2012-- can I get an AMEN! :)

Remembering when...

There are a zillion things I need to be doing right now such as working, returning emails, TAXES! LOL! But I needed to blog so here it is!

Feeling domestic this morning I had planned on making banana bread. I was pretty sure I had all the ingredients so after a few quick errands this morning I went to it.  I start to it and pretty quickly realize that this must be divine banana bread-- I had just enough flour, just enough sugar, and just enough oil to pull off the recipe.  It takes lots of stirring and lots of muscle to pull it all together so as I am stirring away my mind starting drifting back to the days of yester-year. No too far back... just the newly married years. Remember those?

For me that time is only a mere 8 years ago so I am not travelling too far back but when I think about me then and me now-- well it might as well have been centuries ago!  I remember lounging on the couch in our first apartment.  Duane was a Chick-fil-A owner by this point and we had our first store in Beaumont, Texas.  It was located inside a mall so his hours were a little different.  The mall didn't open officially until 10 AM so I would leisurely get up, relax on the couch, eventually get ready for work, etc.  Ahhh....  I also baked and cooked a lot more (may seem odd but it's true!).  As I was laying around on the couch I would flip through channels like the Food Network and TLC.  I would go online and search for the recipe that the Barefoot Contessa was making and plan it for dinner.  I would watch a Baby Story or two on TLC and dream about having a baby someday... when we were ready (such a silly phrase right-- who is every ready?!)

In the middle of my daydream into yester-year, I was flung back into reality when Mason began throwing Tupperware on the ground and emptying his sippy cup drawer onto the ground for the fourth time today.  BANG! BANG! PLOP!  So, I chuckled a bit.  WOW Erica that was your life and in 8 short years it looks very different! And not just a little different... astronomically different! Is it better?  Is it worse?  I don't think that you can even compare one to the other and I bet most moms would say the same thing.  I've traded TLC's Baby Story for two amazing kids with sticky hands, screaming voices, and runny noses.  I've traded a small, quaint apartment for a beautiful home with LOTS of bathrooms to clean and a yard to maintain. I've traded Food Network for "It's Whatever You Find In The Fridge" Nights or "I'll have Daddy bring home CFA... again" :) 

After the Tupperware fiasco I put Mason down for his afternoon nap, put the banana bread in the oven, and just for kicks I turned on the TV.  Calliou came blaring from the TV as I went searching for TLC.  It took me 5 minutes to even find it (it use to be on speed dial) and wouldn't you know... a Baby Story was on.

It's in the genes, baby!

Our genes make us who we are. They tell us we have brown hair and blue eyes. They tell us whether we are short or tall. Within the last decade they have been able to also tell us whether we have genes linked to cancer. The research is absolutely amazing. What an amazing gift God has given those scientist to be able to make those discoveries! However, when you sit across from you OB-GYN and she tells you that you are BRCA-1 positive for a very split second you think, "Darn you science for being so advanced!"

So, let's back up because I have been keeping a small secret from many people and now that I have a plan I would like all my friends to be informed-- to both pray for me and encourage all woman to take charge of their health as well.

After a friendly push from my OB-GYN at my yearly check-up in November 2011 I elected to have the BRCA genetic testing. It tests for BRCA 1 and 2 which are now know as the breast cancer genes. THESE GENES DON'T MEAN THAT THE CARRIER HAS BREAST CANCER. The genes simply significantly increase your chance of developing breast cancer in your lifetime. By significantly I mean up to an 80% chance that I will diagnosed in my lifetime! So, I am BRCA-1 positive. I have the "breast cancer" gene. I am 28 years old, a wife, and mother of two small kids. So after I blamed science for being so advanced my second reaction was "Lets beat this thing!" and so starts my journey...

I contacted MD Anderson and they immediately accepted me as a patient, I received genetic counseling, and my whirlwind of tests and procedures began. Since December 2011 I have had my first mammogram, multiple breast ultrasounds, ovarian ultrasounds, and blood tests. I've been picked, prodded, and felt up so many times it is ridiculous but all with good intention! I made the decision in February 2012 to met with my cancer doctor (yes they assign you a cancer doctor without cancer... in my opinion that's how inevitable it is...) and discuss my real options to really beat this-- not just keep having tests until they find something one day. They are truly all about saving people's lives at MD Anderson and have been completely supportive of my decision to have a double mastectomy and reconstruction.

Yikes! Why so extreme you ask? Surgery to remove my breast tissue is the ONLY way to almost guarantee (95% chance) that I will never have to deal with breast cancer. There are no guarantees in life but what a change going from an 80% chance of developing breast cancer to a 95% chance of NEVER developing breast cancer. I feel it was a pretty simple decision! So my double mastectomy (removal of both breasts tissue) and reconstruction will take place this summer-- June 5th-- with a possible 2 month recovery time depending on a few minor decisions that haven't been made yet.

I can't lie and act like there is no emotion involved with it. Back in November when I first found out I had a few pretty dark days. Days of "why me... why me!" but that quickly came to an end when I began my appointments in the Mays Breast Clinic and began witnessing real women with breast cancer fighting the real fight in such a strong way. Naturally it also made me never want to have to fight that fight. God has equipped me with the knowledge of this gene for a reason and while we sometimes do not know every detail of His plan I want to use this information to protect myself, my family, and inspire other woman to do the same thing!

And it might be working. My aunt (breast cancer survivor extradanaire) and myself ironically had the BRCA testing done on the same day. It was shocking and a little weird when we found that out actually. Since then my mom and grandma(breast cancer survivor) have been tested. We are all BRCA gene carriers. They don't call it your genetics for nothing! Now we are 4 women with so much power! There is a 50/50 chance that I passed this gene on to my kids-- Emma and Mason. When they reach 18 they will both go into high-risk pools and begin receiving insurance supported testing to make sure that nothing surprises them. You may think why does Mason need to worry. Well, males can get breast cancer but more importantly if Mason has a baby girl one day he must be able to educate her as well! One interesting fact I learned: once a baby is out of the womb most genectic testing can't be done until they are 18 and at the age of consent.

I am so very thankful for my very supportive, amazing husband who has been my best cheerleader through the last 4 months. I'm thankful for family, friends, for prayers, for my phenomenal insurance company that has footed the majority of all costs thus far. I'm thankful for my doctors and whole team at MD Anderson.

So now you know! Don't be afraid to ask me about it. I would be honored to tell you my story, encourage you to take charge of your health, or answer any burning questions you have. These procedures are becoming more common as insurance companies have learned that they would rather help me pay for permenent prevention then years of testing and chemo, radiation, etc when I am diagnosed. So I am counting down the days and nerves are building. Please pray for my kids. I know they are going to take this the hardest but one day they will know it was all for them :)

Wednesday Morning Conviction!

I receive a short daily encouragement/challenge from a group called iMOM.  Check them out on Facebook if you have a chance.  Anyway, this morning my Daily Expresso Minute was a little convicting but I liked it and wanted to share! Please see below:

How Moms Make Dads Feel Like Losers
My kids played at my friend’s house last week.  She was out of town, so her husband was in charge.  When my children came home they were each holding a container of ice cream and told me they had just eaten a couple of candy bars.  My son’s feet were filthy from playing outside barefoot.  They had a blast. 
Of course, if the mom had been home, there would’ve been fewer snacks and no barefoot activity.  My daughter noticed the difference, “Dads just give you more stuff and let you do more things.”  How right she is.
As a mom, do you give your husband the encouragement and latitude to parent in the way he sees fit, or do you make him feel like a loser because it’s not how you do it?  A man’s instincts are going to cause him to approach parenting differently, and that’s a good thing.

A supporting article on the topic was 5 Reasons to Let Dad Take Care of the Kids--

It may be natural for moms to rush to meet every need their kids have. We’re nurturers by nature, after all. But dads have a lot to offer in all phases of parenting, too. Take a look at these reasons to let dad handle the kids more.

1. Dads play differently. Dads are more likely to startle children and get them excited, and like to rough-house more than moms. Both of these types of play are beneficial in building a child’s self-confidence and willingness to take risks, according to recent research. (Cambridge University)

2. Dads communicate differently. Studies show that dads are less indulgent with the nonverbal cues, crying and whining. Fathers tend to challenge younger children to use words more to express themselves, increasing the cognitive abilities of children as young as two. (Cambridge University)

3. Dads challenge, moms calm. There are exceptions to every rule, but generally speaking, moms react to stress in their children by trying to calm them and ease the stress, while dads may more naturally react by encouraging their kids to overcome the problem, or rise to the occasion. Both are important facets of building confident, capable kids.

4. Dads develop secure daughters. It’s a fact that girls who have a strong relationship with their fathers are less likely to be sexually active as teens than those who don’t. Girls gain confidence from the dad-daughter relationship that leaves them less hungry for the attention of boys, and less vulnerable. (Journal of Marriage and Family, 1994)

5.  Dads appreciate moms’ trust. The respect and trust that you show for your husband when you turn over the parenting reigns can improve your marriage, as well. Couples who cooperate together learn to value one another and spouses and parents, and have a stronger relationship overall.

I hope you were encouraged or challenged like I was. We-- or I--all need a reminder every now and again :) 

I'm the best!

I think at one time or another all of our kids have championed the "putting off bedtime with a million questions and/or requests" routine. Emma is pretty good at it and I try my hardest not to get upset even though I am past ready for her to be asleep. When I feel the annoyance bubbling up in me I remember something someone much wiser than me once said, "One day she won't want you to tuck her in, carry her in a parking lot, or even hug you in public-- enjoy it now!"

So, I mustered up one last "Yes, Emma?" as I put her to bed tonight and here is what I heard, "Mom, you and Dad are really the best parents." WOW! I was floored... I almost started to cry but I temporarily composed myself, went back to her side, gave her a big 'ole kiss, and said goodnight. Of course I strutted down the hallway back to my room... I mean that's what one of "the best parents" would do, right?

:)

Broken Resolutions :(

So... 2012 started out like many other years with broken resolutions after the first week!

My "resolution" this year was to blog at least once a week and it is now Monday of the SECOND week of January and I am just now writing my first blog-- and it is sadly about my broken resolution about blogging! Story of my life my friends!

I hope you are having better luck with yours. Did you make a resolution this year?