Some days just aren't good...

So I promised that I would be open and honest with this blog. I am a naturally happy-go-lucky, optimistic person but today was not that kind of day. It was a low day... a very low day.  I suppose you have to blog about the good and the bad--so here it is.

I woke up this morning in an AWFUL mood! In a stay-out-of-my-way, can't-make-me-happy-so-don't-try kind of mood.  I'm sure none of you can believe that I would be in such a foul mood ;) I woke up in PAIN, lots of PAIN.  I had to make the transition late Monday to ween off of some of the heavy doses of prescription pain meds because my body was not waking up and I was not allowing it to "work properly"-- in other words apparently you have to have a bowel movement and I was going on a week with no action.  (Sorry to be so blunt but it is what it is!)  I was highly functioning on the pain meds-- holding coherent conversations, playing gently with the kids, walking around-- and some of you can attest to these activities so I felt that everything was going fine.  I could totally live like this: very minimal pain and a fairly active mommy! Life was good last week-- life is not so good on crappy, over-the-counter "pain" medication.  There wasn't a moment today that I didn't feel like I had just had surgery... not one! Aches, pains, soreness, tenderness, ouchy, ooooo, aaahhhh-- I HAD IT ALL! But mission accomplished: my body was working properly now--YAY (rolling eyes).  Of course, Duane had to hear about it all.

Then came the waterworks. Duane had just come home from dropping the kids off at a friend's house who we are nanny-sharing with this summer.  I am sleeping very well and had slept through the whole morning routine apparently so Duane was catching me up on everything while he was getting ready for work. As he was catching me up I thought scanning Facebook would get my mind off of the pain-- how brilliant am I... or NOT!  I begin reading post after post of people doing and taking and entertaining their kids at various places today and I lost it and had a 3-minute pity party.  I made myself so upset because I had elected to have this surgery, I chose this pain and discomfort and the result was I was spending VERY little time with my kids and had made myself completely useless this summer.  And while I know that they are off having so much fun with friends I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. I was also jealous of Duane being able to go to work, get out of the house, and embrace the real world.  Bottom line was I was crying, mildly depressed, and in pain.  I'm sure that is a dangerous cocktail of emotions...

As I type this tonight I know that we all have to go through the valley, we all have to be in the dark so we can appreciate peaks of life and the light at the end.  And everything I feel is completely normal! Goodness, if having a body part removed through major surgery and reconstructed was SO AMAZING everyone would be signing up and that just doesn't seem to be the case-- LOL! Ironically on Sunday I listened to a sermon my pastor had preached 2 or 3 weeks ago that I had missed and it was called "Happy People Get Depressed".  It was about how even happy, blessed people get the "blues", "get down in the dumps", and can even fall into major depression.  I remember thinking (then I was not depressed because the happy juices where still flowing in my veins) so glad that's not me! I'm too blessed to be depressed!  HA! Boy, did the Almighty show me how quickly that can change and put me right in my place!  Our Lord is very good at that but he is also so good to remind me that leaning on Him through my valley is the quickest way to bring me out :)

So, I came up with a plan-- does that surprise anyone?! I always have a long list of things that I would love to do but NEVER have time to do because I am keeping up with kids or housework or chicken work.  So, I have no excuses and nothing holding me back so why not tackle that list that never gets tackled!  Things on that lists are like: create photo books with the gazillion pictures I have taken, um... Mason doesn't even have a baby book started-- I could do that, etc!  I think you get the point so that's what I did today.  I started on a photo book of pictures and got about halfway done when I started feeling tired.  It did get my mind off the pain (which never really went away today) and made the day seem to go by faster.  So... this summer I may become known as the crazy photo book lady but I am happy to have something to help get me through :)