What Emma taught me Sunday

This July our church was collecting new shoes to be donated to orphans all over the world.  My sweet Emma doesn't miss a beat and she kept faithfully reminding me that we needed to make our contribution towards this mission effort.  Sometimes I am on the ball with these types of things and sometimes life just gets in the way.  I was clearly letting life get in the way with this mission opportunity.  This past Sunday I went into a store to replenish some facial cleanser and makeup with Emma in tow.  Upon pulling in the parking lot Emma was very excited, "Mom, we can buy shoes at this store to put in the bin at church!" 

So, the first stop was the Clinique counter so I could get what I needed and in the middle of that task Emma needed to potty--- so pause the Clinique purchase! As we walked towards the back of the store we came upon the shoes. I told Emma we would hit those on the way back... momma just saw C-U-T-E sandals on sale!  She finished her necessary bathroom visit and we were onto the shoes.  My eyes like to browse the shoe section so Emma was quick to remind me: "Mom, we need to go to the KIDS section... the shoes are for KIDS..." So, we get to the kids shoe section and I looked for some pairs that were on sale that Emma could pick from.  The plan was to contribute one pair of shoes.  She finally picked one in her size because she wanted a child her age to have them. Mission accomplished... or so I thought!

Back to the makeup counter to finish that purchase and pay for the shoes.  The friendly girl helping me said, "Oh, did you know that the shoes are buy one, get one half off?" I did not know that but I liked the sound of that! So as we are walking back to the shoe section, for a split second my selfish mind began thinking, "Momma is getting a pair of shoes half off-- yay!" And it was only a split second because Emma excitedly said, "MOM! Now we can donate 2 pairs of shoes to help 2 kids!"  The look on her face was so priceless.

Now I know all kids have a selfish streak. Emma still struggles in the sharing department but for the most part a child's heart is filled with overwhelming kindness-- the kind of kindness that tends to fade as we get older and we develop such a "me" mentality or just plain harden our hearts toward the world. Emma picked out a second pair of shoes to donate and we finally finished that very long transaction.  I have to say that I was so proud of Emma. She could have easily asked for a pair of shoes for herself but her heart was certainly right where it was suppose to be-- shining brightly for Jesus and reminding me to shine my light brighter.  I love this kid :)

Dropping off her donations at church today

The Second Round

Well folks we have a second (and somewhat final) surgery date scheduled!  Tuesday, September 4th will be my surgery "exchange".  This surgery is suppose to be out-patient with no hospital stay if all goes well. I am completely nervous about that detail! I don't enjoy hospital stays but I can't imagine having surgery and going home the same day. The "exchange" is just as it sounds-- my plastic surgeon is going to go back in (hopefully with a slightly smaller incision) and take out my expander implants and put in my permanent implants thus making an exchange. I am very excited about this part! And no more doctor's appointments until pre-op-- YAY!

My expanders have been my enemy since I woke up from my mastectomy 7 weeks ago but now I am actually used to them. I guess it's like anything else you forget how it was before especially when you know you can never go back to the way things were. They have become a part of the new me :)  I don't wake up feeling like I have an elephant on my chest any more.  As I go throughout my day I am aware that things are not "normal" but sometimes I just plain forget!  I am looking forward to having a somewhat more natural feeling "up top" though and getting back to sleeping on my side and tummy.

The human body is truly a work of the Lord-- just AMAZING! My scars are vanishing more and more everyday, my body is used to my thousand pound chest, and I am getting stronger everyday.  I am even picking up Mason a little more everyday.  I have returned to driving even though it is a bit painful-- mainly because the seat belt bothers me.  The body's healing ability is quite humbling indeed. PRAISE!

I can't stop thanking everyone for their support through prayer, meals, transportation (a few weeks ago), child care situations, and just calling, texting, and sending me facebook messages! I love you all and your kindness has been overwhelming.  THANK YOU!

95%

Last week I had an appointment with my high-risk breast doctor (Dr. Litton) who is the initial doctor I saw at MD Anderson after I found out about my BRCA gene. Dr. Litton walked me through my options and got the ball rolling on surgery consultations and such. I had not seen her in roughly six months so I was due for a visit. 

When she walked in the door she said words that made me both smile from ear to ear and want to cry all at the same time: "When I first met you Erica there was an 80% chance you could have breast cancer in your lifetime. Now you sit here before me with a 95% chance of NEVER having breast cancer."

Wow! I loved hearing that-- even though I knew it in my head. I had made all my decisions up until now based on that fact but hearing that from my doctor made me feel awesome! It was like when you play a great game and you know it but to hear the coach say "WELL DONE!" just brings it to another level. And I needed that level because all the pain, discomfort, aching, and trips to MDA were starting to wear on me. I needed that reminder to refocus me and my recovery through this long process.

95%. I'm gonna take it and live it.

The Recovery "Dance"

One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back is what I am calling my Recovery Dance and that is what I have experienced this past week.

I had some really great days- also known as my One Step Forward days. Days where I almost forgot that I was recovering from major surgery at all- playing with the kids, small chores, driving. I would even forget to take Motrin! Now at the end of these days I was tired BUT what mom isn't tired after a day of well... mothering :)

I had some not-so-great days also known as my 2 Steps Back days. I mean could everything on my body hurt at once- goodness! Stabbing, aching, burning, throbbing, you name it, I felt it and it normally forced me into bed very early. I simply needed to be horizontal because that meant comfort!

Now it seems my bad days followed my good days which probably meant that I was over doing it on my good days. My personality is all wrong for recovery-mode you see. I take advantage of good days and run 100 miles an hour... into a wall and find myself regretting all those "accomplishments" the day before. So, tonight I found myself hurting after a day of small errands with the family- Duane drove, I was just a passenger, how bad could it be! Well, I've been on my back for 4 hours just plain sore and uncomfortable.  Duane was warming up leftovers for dinner and Emma was concerned why mommy was just lying in bed. I heard Duane tell her I was in pain and trying to relax. Emma: "But is mommy going to eat dinner?" Duane: "We will figure it out". Suddenly in walks my sweet Emma with her pink Dora the Explorer tray to have Dinner-in-Bed with Mommy... so I wasn't lonely :) She made me smile and I wasn't lonely for dinner.

So tomorrow will be another day, another dance step, some pain I'm sure, and one day I will realize that like it or not my body is going to force me rest and heal and everything else can... well... wait. (Oh, the type A, multi-tasker in me just cringed!)

The Caregiver Life

On July 16, 2004 Duane and I said, "In sickness and health, for better or worse..." and this summer I am holding him to every word of that apparently! My sweet, loving husband is my dedicated caregiver and while Duane thrives under pressure and a busy life I know that this surgery is really stretching his ability to balance everything.  In our life "everything" includes 2 kids, a 4 1/2 year old princess and a 21 month old little prince who are full of energy, our own business which is open 16 hours a day and has over 50 employees, household chores, and great family and friends.  Oh, if keeping up with all of that was as simple as just jotting it all down...

The role of a caregiver is indeed a thankless job, although, as patients we really do try to say "please", "thank you", and "I love you" as much as we can. It must be quite an adjustment to go from a wife who is perfectly capable and independent one day to a wife who can't even wipe her own bottom.  Note: I can wipe my own bottom... now :)  It is truly being at someones beck and call to the ump-teenth degree:  preparing meals/snacks, reminding me to take meds, wound care, bathing, "fix my pillow honey.. oh wait... put it back where it was... oh wait... it's too fluffy... now it's too flat... I'm sorry honey I just want to be comfortable!" AHHHH! I could go on and on and of course none of that includes care for our kids or house. And all the while Duane is doing all of this with a gentle smile and love in his heart!

Of course, I can't forget my other "caregiver": my sweet Emma! Who loves to "help" mommy whenever she can... or feels like it! She often refills my water, helps drain my tubes, and takes my temperature.  She is a good nurse but like any normal 4-year old likes to do things on her terms and oh how daddy loves that ;) But I must give credit where credit is due both kiddos have had a huge adjustment this summer by being tossed from friend to friend for play dates and from family member to family member for sleepovers.  And they have embraced it all with few meltdowns and good behavior.  I am proud of them!

My last set of caregivers are our fantastic friends and family who have come to our rescue during these last couple of weeks and in the weeks/months to come! We have never eaten so well in our lives thanks to SO MANY people who have signed up to bring meals.  I have never been so encouraged than by the MANY facebook posts, emails, get well cards, and text that I receive on a daily basis reminding me that they are praying and thinking about me and my family.  And as mentioned before my kids are probably having the best summer of their lives with all of the play dates that they are going on and all the grandma time they are getting in during this recovery process.

I hope I am able to repay or pay the kindness forward once I am up, back, and running!  I love you all, especially the most amazing man in the whole wide world, my favorite nurse and soul mate, Duane.

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

Love, Life, and Chicken: What happens when you creep a Facebook wall: I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for ...

What happens when you creep a Facebook wall

I was conducting my usual early afternoon Facebook check in that has become part of my "new" normal routine.  I have a friend who works for the Navy that is stationed in Japan. I love seeing her pictures and living vicariously through her as she explores the world in the Navy.  So, I was "creepin" her Facebook wall and checking out her photos when I came across her post from June 6th (which was probably June 5th in US time but I don't really know...) REGARDLESS-- it was on or near the day of my surgery.  And without her permission I am re-posting it here because I don't think she would mind: 

 

"Just learned a good friend of mine is undergoing a double mastectomy today. She's out of surgery, and doing well. Her strength and courage at her age for doing this humbles and motivates me in a way I hope to tell her when I get back to the States. Much prayer and love going out to you from across the ocean!!"

 

Tears came running down my face as I was not expecting to see a post about me on her wall.  She didn't tag me in it so I had no idea that she had even written it! And while I loved the post, I think the tears were coming from the fact that I keep hearing the words: BRAVE, STRENGTH, INSPIRATION, STRONG, MOTIVATING and I don't feel like I am any of those things on a daily basis right now!  I feel like a wimp (I still need assistance out of bed), helpless (I can't reach for most things above shoulder level right now), and whiny. I mean goodness-- I'M WHINING NOW! AH! I feel like I am in complete survival mode from the time I wake up to the time that I go to bed-- and at 3 AM when my bladder wakes me up every night :) I mean my "mens-wear inspired wardrobe" consists of 2 outfits that I rotate daily.  You will either catch me in Duane's gray button down shirt with black sweat pant capris or blue button down shirt with gray sweat pant capris. LONG GONE are the days of my cute CAbi wardrobe :( I know... it sounds pathetic... LOL!

 

If I am truly "brave", "strong", or an "inspiration" it is not me but the Lord shining through me.  I stumble upon a bible verse everyday that helps me get through. Sometimes a friend has posted it, sometimes it is through a facebook page I "like", a get well card, etc.  Like this one that a friend posted that got me through pain the morning after my expansion- "For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the LORD." Jeremiah 30:17a. Or this one that YouVersion posted from Isaiah 26:4- "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

 

I am sure in a month I will be at a point where everyday I will see big leaps and bounds of progress but for now the truth is-- everyday is a struggle, everyday is painful, and everyday I use my smile to cover it all up. And I know this is a process-- boy do I hate that word now-- but it is true.

 

**By the way Camille, I think YOU are brave, strong, and inspirational for the work you do everyday for our country :) Thank you!**